Thursday, December 23, 2010

We Wish You a Turtle Christmas (1994)

AHHHHH. AHHHHH. No. Why. WHY? Just... Just NO.

Someone watched the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Movie and then vomited out this horrid direct-to-video thing in about 10 minutes. The writing is uniformly terrible, but it's worse when they half-almost try to write the characters like the movie. I'd rather that they didn't, really.

It's awful. The costumes are hideous and terrible, with animatronics that don't work, and they have no feet. The budget appears to have been about $50 and I'm assuming they spent most of it on beer. Also, the costumes are really scary-looking. We're talking horror-movie-possessed-toy scary.

The voice “actors” occasionally do atrocious imitations of the movie cast, but it's really uneven. It burnsss... According to IMDB, it looks like either the entire cast and director did this under fake names, or they never worked again. Either sounds plausible to me.

The voice syncing is basically nonexistent. The plot is just a tissue-thin excuse for a series of terrible parody songs. It's just... just awful. There are random children. The whole thing makes zero sense.

It's Star-Wars-Holiday-Special-Level Bad, you guys. It's shorter (only a half-hour), which is good, and it's not boring or slow, but I would say it's far more horrible to its characters.

Still want to hurt yourself? Look on YouTube. Look on YouTube, ye fools, and despair.

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