Mainlining Christmas

If you read that headline and thought it was full of crap, you were at least partially right. I'll admit up front I technically went with four  movies and an episode, which is kind of cheating. That said, the episode in question isn't XMas Story from Futurama  - this is limited to horror, and all five of my picks come from that genre. The idea that I would be able to assemble this list at all would have been unthinkable a few years ago. This is, after all, supposed to be the dregs of holiday entertainment - the worst trope Christmas media has to offer. Only... it's not? While there's no shortage of abysmal slasher movies where the killer either is dressed as Santa or - in some bizarre sense is  literally Santa himself, there are a shocking number of movies where the otherwise tired premise results in something absolutely fantastic. Just to reiterate, by "shocking," I mean five. Okay, four and a half. I was going to start with some history on this trope, but......

I honestly think this might be the most high-profile pre-2010 Christmas horror movie I haven't gotten to yet. Hell, it might be the most high-profile Christmas movie regardless of genre, excluding a bunch of indistinguishable remakes of A Christmas Carol and The Nutcracker. Part of the reason it took me so long is it's easy to confuse with countless other movies in the same subgenre. I've done Silent Night, Bloody Night , Christmas Evil , and countless other " Killer Santa " movies . Hell, I even did Silent Night , the 2012 remake ("remake" in the loosest meaning of the term possible). But until now I'd never gotten around to this one, which... I guess this is significant? I mean, it spawned multiple sequels, it's supposedly being remade AGAIN, and NECA made an action figure of the killer a few years ago, which... Honestly, I bought it for a custom project I just haven't gotten around to yet. The point is, this must have a fan base. I'...

I have no recollection of this movie ever existing, and honestly that surprises me. It's not so much that this deserves to be remembered - aside from a few solid performances, a couple decent moments, and a score from Danny Elfman, it's got very little going for it - but it's kind of amazing a Christmas movie starring Nicholas Cage, Téa Leoni, and Don Cheadle could gross more that 100 million dollars then just get swallowed up and forgotten. It makes a little more sense when we enter the director into the equation: this was made by Brett Ratner, whose reputation as Hollywood's least interesting filmmaker has been overshadowed by numerous accusations of sexual assault and harassment. The Family Man is the story of Jack (Nicholas Cage), a successful businessman who broke up with Kate (Téa Leoni) years before in a formulaic prologue set in an airport. Jack thinks he's happy, and he seems to have everything. That's until Christmas Eve, when he witnesses Don Cheadle ...

In a Holidaze Christina Lauren, 2020 I saw this listed in a few places as THE holiday romance novel of 2020, so I decided to see what all the fuss was about. And ... it was pretty good. Easily as good as a surprisingly high quality made-for-tv movie, maybe a bit better.  The premise is classic: Maelyn Jones is trapped in a holiday time loop until she can fix her life. But the execution is not only charming, it's surprisingly thoughtful. For her entire life, Maelyn and her parents have been getting together for the holidays with a chosen family consisting of her parents' closest friends from college and their assorted partners and kids. Since she was a teenager, she's had a crush on Andrew, one of said kids. Unfortunately, when the book opens, she's just had an unsatisfying drunken makeout session with Andrew's brother Theo. (Maelyn and Theo/Andrew aren't related at all, but I was very confused at the beginning until I figured out they aren't cousins; their p...

The bare premise of this film - two couples in crisis nearly separate on Christmas Eve but finally reconcile - could be a Hallmark movie. In practice, it's something much more unusual and uneven.  The movie is based on a play by Tennesee Williams. A bit of research tells me that he wrote it as a "serious comedy," partially in response to criticism that his works were too dark. It's been a while since I've studied any of his plays, but the man isn't exactly known for happy endings, and it shows here. These are deeply unhappy people, each with their own neuroses, and it seems unlikely that these "happy-ending" reconciliations are for the long term.  The movie opens with a montage without dialogue showing the whirlwind romance of a nurse (Isabel) and one of the young veterans under her care (George). She realizes that she has made a terrible mistake when a hearse (a "great car" according to George) appears as their honeymoon vehicle, and thing...

Roy Rogers starred in more than a hundred movies, so I guess the laws of probability dictate at least one would be a Christmas flick. That brings us to "Trail of Robin Hood," a movie I wish I could discuss without first going through the exercise of explaining who Roy Rogers was, what his movies were, and why you should care. Actually, I'll field that last one now: you shouldn't. While this is sort of interesting as a cultural artifact, it doesn't hold up 71 years after its creation. In fact, I'd call it a stretch to refer to this as a movie at all. Which brings us back to who Rogers was and why his "movies" are somewhat distinct. I doubt anyone will be shocked to learn that Roy Rogers was a stage name, but if (like me) you've never subjected yourself to any of his movies, you might not realize Rogers is also the main character in the majority of them. You could look at this as an actor playing a fictionalized version of himself, but I honestly d...

If you've seen the trailer, I won't need to explain what this is. The movie is very upfront about the premise: a homage to A Christmas Story that's virtually a remake set in the '80s, with the Nintendo Entertainment System talking the place of the infamous Red Ryder Carbine Action 200-shot Range Model Air Rifle. I want to be crystal clear about something before continuing: this is infinitely better than A Christmas Story. Most movies look good compared to that, though - the real question is how well this fares on its own merits. And the answer to that question is pretty well. This is a solid, funny Christmas flick, ready-made to be left on in the background while cleaning, cooking, or disposing of bodies: whatever your holiday traditions necessitate. I think it stops short of greatness, however, due to the ending. I want to acknowledge that I'm not entirely certain about this: the movie hinges on a twist that feels unearned after one viewing but might improve upon r...

In the words of Troy Barnes , "Video games for two straight weeks, that's what Christmas is for." One tradition I've enjoyed for the last few years is hosted by two YouTube channels about video games. During most of the year, Outside Xbox and Outside Xtra create silly list videos, play games with humorous commentary, play tabletop RPGs, occasionally indulge in something resembling industry news/analysis, and generally engage in shenanigans for viewers' entertainment. In December, the hosts challenge each other to accomplish various in-game tasks, some of which are relatively straightforward (e.g., race to a specific point in an open-world game), but many of which involve things the games in question were never meant to do (e.g., win a wrestling match in Animal Crossing). Each challenge won confers points, and each channel annually names a Christmas champion.  They are all a tremendous amount of fun, although many of the challenges' connection to the holiday ...

Until this started, it didn't occur to me that it's probably been at least thirty years since I actually watched an episode of The Flintstones in its entirety. Honestly, I'd be happy going another thirty before repeating the experience. The show isn't bad, so much as dated. Half the joke was in the premise, which lacks the same impact if you've grown up thinking of it as an institution. For me, The Flintstones have always existed, so the knowledge it was somewhat revolutionary in its day feels academic. It also doesn't help that the central conceit of merging the stone age with cutting-edge designs is sort of lost now that those designs look antiquated themselves. I wonder if the next generation of kids look at The Simpsons the same way. Speaking of which, it's probably not an accident the premise for The Simpson's pilot mirrors this episode. The plot of the sole Flintstones Christmas episode centers on Fred taking a second job in a department store to e...

Exit Speed is a low-budget action/suspense film from 2008. I can't find much information about how or why it was made, but I'm guessing it was never meant for more than a video and/or streaming release. It's also worth noting a bus features heavily on the movie's poster, leading me to wonder if the title's inclusion of the word "speed" might have been an Asylum-style knock-off. Granted, 14 years is a hell of a gap, but I honestly can't think of a better explanation for the title. The movie's premise centers around a group of people trying to travel through Texas by bus on Christmas Eve. Things go awry pretty much from the start, when they cross paths with... sigh... a nomadic bike gang. They get in an accident, resulting in the death of a biker, resulting in a brief chase, a crash, and a siege set in a junkyard. It's the junkyard siege that makes up the bulk of the movie. The protagonists are something of an odd assortment of character personal...

Despite its best efforts, A Boy Called Christmas is a fantastic movie. It tries exceedingly hard not to be - there are tonal issues, its themes are out of alignment, the structure is poorly conceived, some of the CG doesn't work - but for all its faults... it still works. Really well, in fact. This is one of the best Christmas fantasy offerings out there. Let's back up and discuss what this is. A Boy Called Christmas is a British movie based on a young adult novel that came out six years ago. I should note I haven't read the book it's based on. Lindsay has, and her review is already up. But this review will be looking at the movie in isolation: I don't care what's changed, nor will I overlook stuff they included just to placate fans. The movie comes off as sort of blend of Harry Potter, the Narnia movies, and Princess Bride, with maybe a touch of Paddington tossed into the mix (though I assume pretty much every British family film is going to feel at least a lit...