Mainlining Christmas

I found the key to unraveling this bizarre religious horror/action movie buried in its Wikipedia article: prior to falling in the hands of director Peter Hyams, End of Days was apparently offered to Sam Raimi and Guillermo del Toro, either of which would most likely have turned the seemingly bonkers premise of pitting Arnold Schwarzenegger against the devil into the amusingly bonkers farce it deserved to be. But they were both busy (or perhaps uninterested), resulting in Hyams taking over the project. To his credit, Hyams proves capable of delivering a sleek, visually impressive movie. The effects are solid, including some early CG that (mostly) avoids the pitfalls of looking cheesy or dated. But none of that means much, because he doesn't seem to be in on the joke here. Despite some objectively ridiculous dialogue, names lamp-shading campy origins (for Christ's sake, there's a priest named Thomas Aquinas), and - again - Schwarzenegger blasting the devil with enough firepow...

Red One may be the most perfect encapsulation of its time, and I mean that in an almost entirely negative way. Elements of this movie are, I'd argue, quite good. There are some solid ideas and interesting choices made throughout. But the misguided direction and cinematography, egregious structural issues, and comically large budget represent a unique sort of production alchemy that could only exist in a world where streaming companies rely on a combination of algorithms and desperation to churn out what they hope will be massive, attention-grabbing films capable of pulling in subscribers. And the fact this was greenlit on the tail end of that dying philosophy, resulting in Red One receiving a theatrical window just long enough for it to bomb before crashing with little fanfare on the streaming service that commissioned it, is perhaps the final and most appropriate tribute to the era it hails from. Taken outside of this context, it's a truly baffling film that tries to combine k...

I've seen at least three genre films titled "Silent Night", and none were what I'd call a slam dunk. This comes closest, between John Woo's stylish direction, a clever gimmick, and an impressive performance from Joel Kinnaman - it's by no means a bad revenge flick, but the elements making this distinct don't overcome the ones making it feel generic. Specifically, the movie's sparce use of dialogue doesn't have the intended effect, so you're left feeling like the film is incomplete. That's the gimmick, by the way: this has essentially no dialogue other than radio transmissions and video clips watched and heard by characters in the movie. I actually think this would have worked better if they'd found ways to cut those as well - the handful of spoken words we hear don't add much and water down the effect. It's not that I found myself missing the dialogue itself - if there's one thing this movie succeeds in, it's demonstrati...

Depending on how you want to define your terms, Destination Tokyo might be the earliest Christmas war movie, though this is absolutely one of those times the qualifiers have qualifiers. The 1927 silent film, Barbed Wire , at the very least includes a memorable Christmas sequence which thematically shapes the movie around it. Likewise, the 1936 science-fiction film, Things to Come , opens at Christmas and plays with the tonal dissonance between the holidays and war (something Destination Tokyo largely sidesteps). Neither of these feature the holidays centrally enough to unequivocally be considered Christmas movies, though I'd argue both are at least debatable. The 1939 animated short,  Peace on Earth , is a more clearcut case - this is absolutely a Christmas war story, though its brief runtime might disqualify it as a movie if the difference between "short" and "feature-length" matters to you. Destination Tokyo comes closer to a clear-cut case, but even this has ...

At the time I'm writing this, I'm six episodes into season 2 of "What If...?" and my largest takeaway might be that Disney bullocked the release of this season majorly. The first season, you may recall, felt like an event: it was treated like a significant series, episodes were released weekly, and it was widely discussed. The second season, in contrast, feels closer to the release of those Groot shorts: I doubt most subscribers of Disney+ even realize the show dropped one a day over Christmas. And that's kind of a shame because, with the exception of a couple lackluster episodes, the first six installments of this season might be better on average than those in season one. The bad news for our purposes is I'm counting the one we're here to discuss among those "lackluster episodes." Released on December 24th, "What If Happy Hogan Saved Christmas?" is basically what you'd expect: a holiday action/comedy homage to Die Hard centered ar...

Here's one that's been on our list for a while. This is a 2012 South Korean disaster movie set on Christmas Eve directed by Kim Ji-hoon. The effects and overall production values are, for the most part, at the level of a Hollywood blockbuster, and the movie was a massive success in South Korea. It was so well executed, I found myself a little surprised it hadn't received a US release... until it got to the third act, when it became extremely clear why this particular market wasn't an option. The premise is going to be familiar to anyone who's heard of the 1974 film, The Towering Inferno, whether you've seen it or not (which is fortunate, because that's another one I still need to get around to). At its core, The Tower is about people trying to escape a burning skyscraper, with the complexity coming from who the characters are, what their relationships are to each other, what they're willing to risk or sacrifice for each other, and so on. While the premis...

Aside from knowing the basic premise, quite literally every expectation and assumption I had going into this movie about an animatronic store Santa malfunctioning and going on a murder spree turned out to be dead wrong. Fortunately, one of those assumptions was that I probably wouldn't like it all that much, and... Okay, let's do the spoiler warning right off the bat, because this is one I'm absolutely recommending to fans of horror, who might want to experience it without realizing what they're getting into. I was about to say that recommendation only  applies to horror fans, as the movie's content is decidedly R-rated (both in terms of sex and violence), but this isn't exactly my go-to genre and I loved it despite... well... it gets pretty gruesome at times, even if the gore has an intentionally anachronistic look.  (Editor's note: this is not a case where we are united in our opinion. I admit that I generally detest slashers, but this is no exception for ...

On its most basic level, Cobra is an R-rated '80s action movie written by and starring Sylvester Stallone, but that doesn't begin to describe what makes it unusual or (with apologies for jumping right to the punchline) awful. Because at the end of the day, Cobra is bad, despite some impressive stunts and a genuine attempt to make something interesting. Let's back up. For a while, Stallone was looking to play Axel Foley in Beverly Hills Cop, a role that would eventually go to Eddie Murphy. Stallone, of course, had a very different vision for that movie's tone, which (coupled with the budget his vision would require) seems to be the main reason that version ultimately fell through. I have no idea if he perceived Cobra as some sort of proof of concept, or if he just had a bunch of ideas floating around his head as a result of working on the other project. Regardless, he pulled his ideas together, combined them with ideas borrowed from a novel called Fair Game (which the cr...

From the perspective of a Yuletide nerd, this is an interesting case. I actually wouldn't consider this a Christmas movie, despite the fact it technically passes my litmus test. The entirety of this film is set around the holidays, which is usually more than enough. But the specifics of the setting and story render the timing moot for the majority of the runtime, and neither the story or the themes are particularly connected to the holidays. Both those points could probably be debated. The premise uses the holidays as an excuse to bring the characters together, and some of the themes - connecting with old friends and growing older - have a history of being associated with Christmas media, but I don't really buy that these are causally connected to the frame story visibly being set over the holidays. Frankly, I think the Christmas connection appears here for the same reason the last movie included a coda set during the same time: this series has always been released at Christmas...

If you look at Bruce Willis's filmography, the third to last credit is "Detective Knight: Redemption," and three of the last five are in the "Detective Knight" series. To put this in perspective, this was one of the last movies Willis was in before retiring and being diagnosed with frontotemporal dementia. The movies he made at the end of his career were rushed direct-to-video productions effectively shooting and editing around his disability. I'll get to Redemption in a moment, but the ethics around this are going to take priority. There are really two ways to look at the existence of this movie: either as an exploitative business cashing in on Willis's recognition at the cost of making him into the butt of bad jokes or as a sort of tradeoff where an aging star is provided an opportunity to earn some money they very well might need. Setting aside the fact these scenarios aren't mutually exclusive, I have no idea which is closer to the truth and no ...