Anyone who knows anything about Christmas knows that Mainlining Christmas is the only site on the internet that truly encapsulates the holiday in its entirety. Normally, I wouldn't think a statement so manifest by the unnatural light of a million multi-colored bulbs would require further explanation. But apparently, I'd be wrong.

Because, apparently, we're not the only ones laying claim to Christmas. Recently, I came across The bottom of their page proclaims, " is the Official Website of Christmas 2012."

First off, who the hell approved that? Do they have a notarized letter of permission from Jesus? You'd think something like that would belong on their About Us page, and I just checked: it's not there.

I guess they feel comfortable backing up that claim. So let's compare content.

Mainlining Christmas has reviewed more than a hundred fifty specials, movies, and Christmas-themed television episodes to cull the half dozen or so that don't suck. We've got e-cards and original fiction. We review toys, books, and plays. We keep you updated on who's winning in the War on Christmas.

In comparison, is little more than a digital doormat where their corporate sponsors can shill gifts.

Face it, you've brought a stick of cinnamon to a coal fight. You think slapping the label "Official" above stock photos of white people wearing Santa hats gives you yuletide cred? I've got news for you: we are Christmas. We watch shit that would give you nightmares. Have you ever even seen the Star Wars Holiday Special?

"Official site of Christmas 2012." Fine. You want that title, it's yours. But you know something? We're the official website of the FIRST Christmas. That's right: year one, birth of Jesus - that's ours. And if Jesus comes back to life this year, he won't give a rat's ass about your crummy little site: he'll be catching up on two thousand years of shitty holiday specials with Mainlining. And then Jesus will buy us presents on his birthday, Hobbit-style. Because we're that integral to the season. And you're just a bunch of phonies.