Mainlining Christmas

The strange lighting, coupled with the almost alien music and meandering story line of Eyes Wide Shut , created a dreamlike effect. And by "dreamlike effect," I literally mean the movie almost put me to sleep, because it was astonishingly, bafflingly, almost unbelievably boring. This was one of the most boring movies I've seen since... well... actually, it hasn't been that  long since I've seen something this boring, but keep in mind I watch a hell of a lot of bad Christmas flicks. But the competition generally goes more than ten minutes without showing naked people: Eyes Wide Shut has no excuse for failing to hold anyone's attention. I heard a while ago that this was a Christmas movie, which I wasn't aware of. Turns out, the movie is Christmas through and through. Christmas lights, in particular, are in damn near every scene that doesn't contain weird sex cults. Half of the film's lighting seems to come from multicolored bulbs. The other half

Between now and Christmas, we'll be posting a "Nerdtivity" scene every night at midnight. Tonight's picture is a reminder of the dangers of science without constraint. By the way, the contest for best Nerdtivity has entered the "audience voting" phase. You can view all the pictures and  vote for your favorite here . Once you've looked at the options, just scroll to the bottom and comment with the number for your pick. Our entry, Away Team in a Manger, is #26.

Well, here’s one for the list, ‘rightly consigned to the dustbin of history’. Elmer is an elf, but he hates being an elf. It’s not that he’s bad at it, he’s just a complete slacker. Ladies and gentlemen, your protagonist. After a few painful scenes after which Elmer should have been summarily fired, he pulls out an Elf manual and discovers that he could become a real boy (just like Pinocchio?) by going to the human world, doing a good deed, and making a wish by noon on Christmas Eve. He semi-accidentally sets off some high-tech gizmos on Santa’s sleigh, and the sleigh brings him to Plantville, USA. Guess what’s in Plantville. Did you say a plant, boys and girls? You win more of this terrible film. A plastics plant, the only thing in town, has recently shut down and the town is on edge. You’ll never know, though, because the characters are all either completely over the top caricatures or completely flat and uninteresting. The villain who ran the plant is introduced randomly

This is a little awkward. Despite the fact the toy I'm reviewing is a Toys 'R' Us Exclusive, it is absolutely arguable that some of the photographs of this toy could be considered NSFW. I doubt anyone will be that offended by the imagery, but I wanted to offer a warning upfront. A while back, I explained why Prometheus should be considered a Christmas movie (short version: because it IS a Christmas movie). That was at the forefront of my mind when I came across the above 2-pack on clearance at Toys 'R' Us. I looked at the design of the "trilobite" and considered how it resembled the Star of Bethlehem, and how that was almost certainly intentional. I grabbed it, because, in its own twisted way, this is actually a piece of Christmas merchandise. For the record, the $19.98 price tag is before the 60% discount was applied. I paid $5.99 for this, not a ha'penny more. The $20 was already a markdown: it started around $35, if I remember correctly. Th

Snowy winterscape. Christmas music. Shot of a cathedral. Repeat for an hour. Neither Lindsay nor I recall adding this to our Netflix queue, but somehow it got on there. Maybe it just migrated its way on or something. It's difficult to imagine either of us intentionally putting it there. Regardless, it arrived at our home, so we watched it. It was, first and foremost, kind of boring. It wasn't bad, of course. It just wasn't anything more than what it was. And what it was can be accurately described in the fragment-filled opening paragraph of this review. There was essentially no substance - it was music and video; that's all. For what it's worth, the music was good. Though the subtitles were pretty awful. "Wast"? Really? And here I always thought the past tense of "was" was "was". The video was good, by which I mean it was pretty. Lots of snowy streets, trees covered in snow, frozen lakes that were coated in snow, churches ad

This year, I am taking on The Big Book of Christmas Mysteries , a 674 page tome containing 59 individual stories about the Christmas season. Conveniently, it’s broken up into blog-post sized sections. For today I’ve read sections seven and eight. (Section  1 ,  2 ,  3 & 4 ,  5 ) A Surprising Little Christmas Noel, Noel , Barry Perowne - The long build up was kind of dull for the okay punchline. Death on Christmas Eve , Stanley Ellin - A more interesting twist here, it colors the whole story before. The Chinese Apple , Joseph Shearing - Fine, a bit obvious. These three stories each end in what amounts to a punch line. "Noel, Noel" is told by a man learning the story of what his good-for-nothing brother, Noel, did with his life. It’s fine. Not really a mystery. "The Chinese Apple" has a twist that I saw coming a mile off. "Death on Christmas Eve" was a bit more interesting. It follows a lawyer called to a house. A brother and sister live t

Between now and Christmas, we'll be posting a "Nerdtivity" scene every night at midnight. Tonight, we're presenting this portrayal of the construction of the robot Savior who kills for his own sins. Futurama fans will of course recognize this scene as being set in Mexico. By the way, the contest for best Nerdtivity has entered the "audience voting" phase. You can view all the pictures and  vote for your favorite here . Once you've looked at the options, just scroll to the bottom and comment with the number for your pick. Our entry, Away Team in a Manger, is #26.

I haven't seen very many episodes of The Brady Bunch , but from the little I remember, A Very Brady Christmas managed to capture the stone and style of the show perfectly. Incidentally, I believe the previous sentence ranks among the all-time most condemning insults I've ever lobbed in a review for this blog. It should be noted that this was produced in 1988, which was about nineteen years after the series had started. By this time, the Bradys had actually expanded into something of a cinematic Universe. Most of the kids had gotten married in earlier reunions and spin-off series, opening up a whole new generation of cloying Brady children. The best description for the plot is that of a blender. What little story exists does so in brief, unrelated chunks. The impetus for the reunion revolves around Mike and Carol Brady trying to surprise each other with a Christmas vacation. The special sets this up as a potential major plot point, before defusing the tension in a scene a

The stop motion characters were capably animated, and the minimalist theatrical backgrounds served as a strong connection to the special's Broadway connections. Likewise, the cast was good - it was great hearing Ed Asner reprise his role as Santa, and (as is so often the case) I didn't even realize I was listening to Mark Hamill as Buddy's father. The music, while somewhat mixed, included at least one great song, which opened the special. Yes, this was made by talented people. And that's the tragedy. Because they wasted their goddamn time on a soulless special that systematically guts everything substantive from a great Christmas movie. Buddy's Musical Christmas seems to be primarily based on the Broadway musical, which I've never seen. Based on the fact it was well received, I have to believe it was better than this. The music was pulled from the show, though I'm guessing most of the songs were truncated. The best of the songs was aforementioned openi

There were three things about this that appealed to us. First, it was a Christmas toy. Second, it was cheap. And third, it was just about the dumbest thing we've seen since buying these . Let's start with the demo feature. This is, of course, what we experienced in the store. For those who'd rather not subject themselves to the horror, when you hit a large red button on the toy speakers the moose is sitting on, the whole thing starts blaring "Up on the Rooftop" while the stuffed animal starts bobbing back and forth. An announcer than tries to sell you on this action: play your own music, and the moose will groove to it! The speaker is surprisingly loud, which is kind of shocking since, the minute you pull that tab out of the back, it's effectively dead. All sound effects beyond the cold grinding of its motor are exclusively used in the demonstration. Its normal play mode is kind of boring in comparison. Its function is extremely specific. If

Oh man, The Partridge Family . I’ve had sort of a lingering urge to see The Partridge Family again since Shirley Jones appeared in style on Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me last year. I hope you enjoyed that, because this episode was not what I would call a winner. If you’re blissfully unaware, The Partridge Family was a sitcom about a single mother with five kids who become a traveling musical act to support their family. So the episode opens with, what else, a song. And it’s not bad. I mean, none of the people on film are singing, but the song is just a corny 70’s pop version of a holiday tune. The family packs up after this gig and is headed home for Christmas. In an unlikely turn of events, their bus breaks down in a Hollywood backlot . Sorry, I meant a ghost town, complete with one picturesque local living alone with a donkey. The donkey’s only in one scene. Maybe his agent was a good negotiator. So they can’t get help, and the old guy invites the mom and young kids insid

Between now and Christmas, we'll be posting a "Nerdtivity" scene every night at midnight. Tonight, I'm posting a picture we're calling, "Bat-Mite's Christmas Spectacular." By the way, the contest for best Nerdtivity has entered the "audience voting" phase. You can view all the pictures and  vote for your favorite here . Once you've looked at the options, just scroll to the bottom and comment with the number for your pick. Our entry, Away Team in a Manger, is #26.

When right-wing pundits rant about "The War on Christmas," there's one group they always leave out, and that's Christians who boycott the holiday due to its pagan roots and lack of Biblical origins. These groups are incredibly inconvenient for both sides of the holiday debate: the right wants to paint a picture where atheists are attacking Christmas, and non-Christians certainly don't want them as allies (these groups tend to be even more hell-fire and brimstone than the ones they're battling). But Christians who don't celebrate Christmas are a significant group - about 5% of Protestants fall into this category . I'm going to be considerate to these people and say that Jim Staley's reasons shouldn't be considered representative for the larger group. Staley is the pastor for "Passion for Truth Ministries." He seems to be trying to recreate a more primal version of Christianity inline with what its founders believed. This 2-hour vid

Don't let the unbelievably stupid title fool you: this 30 minute special from the early 80's is actually pretty enjoyable, thanks to some clever writing and a brisk pace. The special begins with a host of Hanna-Barbera characters traveling to Jellystone at Christmas to surprise Yogi and Boo-Boo. Only when they arrive, they discover the two bears have stowed away on a departing tour bus to the city in order to spend the holidays with them. The ranger calls ahead to have them apprehended, and Yogi and Boo-Boo wind up dressing as Santa and an Elf to escape capture. In the process, they pick up a young girl who feels like her rich father is neglecting her by devoting so much time to his work (this situation was extremely common in 80's entertainment, which placed absurdly high expectations on parents). It's a simple story-line, but they fill the time with cameos and jokes. Impressively, most of these are quite a bit of fun. The special has a nice nostalgic feel, and a

I'm going with the original Finnish name,  Joulutarina , over the title for the US release, Christmas Story , because there are already too many damn movies with that name. Unfortunately, it'd be more accurate to say I watched Christmas Story : the official DVD doesn't have a goddamned subtitled version, forcing us to watch it dubbed in English. Fortunately, this movie is more visual than anything else, minimizing the damage done. Still, it was extremely obnoxious, and I feel like I missed a large portion of the performances. This thing is intended as an origin story for the Santa myth. Of course, like most Santa origins, it's not remotely based in any of the legend's diverse historical roots. It is, however, quite reminiscent of the Rankin/Bass specials, which is better more than I can say for some interpretations . This Nikolas is an orphaned boy in Lapland. The exact time is intentionally left ambiguous, but the clothing and elements of technology were rel

Walt Disney's Christmas Classics Various, 2009 (comics mostly originally from 1940’s) Well, nuts. I was looking forward to this one, because I’ve had good luck with classic Disney comics in the past. Unfortunately, this book is a real mixed lot. This collection contains 9 stories, ranging from just 2 pages to 8-16 each. The best one by far is “Santa’s Stormy Visit”, a Donald Duck story by Carl Barks. This story from 1946 follows the misadventures of Donald as he tries to give his nephews a nice Christmas, although they’re living in a lighthouse and can’t get to shore in time to buy presents. It’s funny and sweet. Also notable is “Christmas on Bear Mountain”, another Carl Barks story from 1947. This story is historically important as the first appearance of Scrooge McDuck. Scrooge decides to test Donald’s bravery by letting him use a cabin for Christmas that he claims is in bear country, while he plans to dress up as a bear to scare them. However, in the meantime, actual be

Between now and Christmas, we'll be posting a "Nerditivity" scene every night at midnight. Tonight's picture may be a little convoluted in theme, but Christmas has some special significance to all those present. By the way, the contest for best Nerdtivity has entered the "audience voting" phase. You can view all the pictures and vote for your favorite here . Once you've looked at the options, just scroll to the bottom and comment with the number for your pick. Our entry, Away Team in a Manger, is #26.

Background information on this special is sparse. It's an animated half-hour story providing a fictitious origin for the song of the same name. It features Phil Hartman, though he's warping his voice to a degree I couldn't even tell which character he was playing (not surprisingly, it's the lead). This is narrated by a partridge and concerns four named characters: King and Princess Silverbell, Sir Carolboomer, and his squire, Hollyberry. If you read those names and thought to yourself they were hilarious, I've got some good news for you: there's a special floating around Youtube you're going to love. Unfortunately, I've got some bad news for you, too: there's almost certainly a two-foot spike sticking out of your forehead that's impairing normal cognitive function. Seek immediate medical help (after watching the special, of course). The plot is thin to a degree that the very term "plot" is a generous overstatement. The special sta

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This was an enjoyable, though not amazing, entry into the genre of ‘Christmas war movie’. Joyeux Noël is a French movie based loosely on the Christmas Truce of 1914. if you were asleep in history class and a dozen other pop-culture references, the Christmas Truce refers to a series of informal cease-fires along the front lines of World War I. We think this movie did a really good job of conveying aspects of that event, mostly around the way it probably felt. The surreality of the situation was compelling, and the tension was well done around what a person is told to feel toward people of another country, versus how they react when face-to-face. Also I liked the fact that different minor characters reacted completely differently. The movie followed a half-dozen or so characters from three units. I did really like how multilingual the movie was. No characters speak an unnatural language for the courtesy of the audience. So we have two brothers and a preacher from Scotland, a lie

UPDATED : Voting is open on the Nerdtivity contest. Head over to this page , pick your favorite, then comment with the corresponding number. Our entry (same as the above image) is #26. Between now and Christmas, we'll be posting a "Nerditivity" scene every night at midnight. Don't think that means we'll be slacking on the rest of our Christmas duties, though - this is going to push to us to a minimum of four posts a day instead of three. Tonight, I'm presenting our entry to the " Kevin and Chuck Want You to Make a Nerdtivity Contest ", which is what inspired all this. Also, it added the word "Nerdtivity" to our lexicon, for which I'll be forever grateful. We're calling this one, "Away Team in a Manger," and I'll leave it to you to revisit the question, "Whose child is this?" In case anyone's wondering, all the Nerdtivity scenes we're posting were done without digital alteration beyond cropp

Background information on this episode is hard to come by. Wikipedia has some notes on the series on the article about Liberace, but the show doesn't even have its own page. IMDB fares a little better, though not much. We're not actually sure if the year for this is correct - IMDB has it for 1953, but the stamp at the end of the version we saw said '54. It's not difficult to understand why: very little of what we saw qualifies as memorable. Mostly, it was just Liberace playing the piano. Sometimes he was joined by other musicians. He didn't choose particularly interesting pieces, either, though some of the medleys were fun. But I definitely could have lived without listening to his generic rendition of "White Christmas." Come on - that was already cliche in 1954. The episode played like a stage show, interspersed with the occasional camera trick. But most of the "effects" were theatrical in nature. The background would light up to display a

At 5% Fresh, Rotten Tomatoes underrates this movie. Based on similar films, I'd have expected 7% - perhaps even 8% - positive; not 5%. Critics seem to have punished this movie more harshly than it deserves on account of its horribly disgusting message, along with the fact that it does, in fact, suck. But these things all come down to magnitude. Christmas with the Kranks sucks less, not more, than Surviving Christmas , which is far overrated at 7% fresh. If I were the Kranks' two-bit hack of a director, Joe Roth, I'd be angry at this injustice. Let's back up a bit. The movie stars Tim Allen and Jamie Lee Curtis as a couple who decide to skip Christmas. It's based on a book called, "Skipping Christmas." Why the title change? Because it was released the same year as Surviving Christmas , and the names were too similar. Once again, the Universe is a cold and unfair place for Joe Roth. Of course, "Skipping Christmas" is a shitty title,

This year, I am taking on The Big Book of Christmas Mysteries , a 674 page tome containing 59 individual stories about the Christmas season. Conveniently, it’s broken up into blog-post sized sections. Here’s section six. (Section 1 , 2 , 3 & 4 , 5 ) A Scary Little Christmas The Carol Singers , Josephine Bell - A well told tale. I liked the extensive picture of the victim before the real plot. Waxworks , Ethel Lina White - Creepy. I liked it, except for a hint of period-typical sexism. Cambric Tea , Marjorie Bowen - Weird pacing, weird ending, a bit deus ex machina. The 74th Tale , Jonathan Santlofer - First piece of true horror. The Uninnocent , Bradford Morrow - Decent tone, but unsatisfying. A bit ‘mystery for it’s own sake’. Blue Christmas , Peter Robinson - Nice vignette of melancholy and hope. There’s a bit of everything in this section. The two that didn’t really work for me were "Cambric Tea" and "The Uninnocent". "Cambric Tea"

It was time. We've been doing this blog for five years without a Nativity Set, and it was time to correct that oversight. We'd have gotten one earlier if it weren't for the fact that they're overpriced, we're not religious, neither of us have any emotional connection to these things, and we consider them - as a rule - horribly ugly, chintzy pieces of garbage. In fact, if I were to refer to them as a blight on Christmas decorations, I'd consider my appraisal charitable. But, beyond that, we really have no excuse for waiting so long. At any rate, a friend (thanks, Cybil!) pointed us towards Kevin and Chuck Want You to Make a Nerdtivity Contest . A "Nerdtivity" seems to be defined as a geekily re-imagined Nativity scene. This isn't actually my first introduction to the concept, though the name's new. A few years back, I entered (and lost) a similar contest over here . If you visit that link, I think you'll agree that one of the main d