Mainlining Christmas

This is a movie from the 90's about a man coincidentally named "Jack Frost" who was killed in the aftermath of an automobile collision in a blizzard and is then reincarnated as a snowman, giving him an opportunity to fulfill some unfinished business in a small town. Please note that everything written above applies both to this movie and to the 1996 horror film of the exact same name. If you get confused, just remember that this is the one that's actually kind of creepy. Ostensibly, this is a family comedy about second chances, a boy getting over the loss of his father, and a dog peeing on a living snowman's leg. I'm not sure it did an adequate job of conveying any of those themes, though judging by the use of musical montages, someone really wanted to pretend it had. The film tried to convince the viewer that they were being moved, but clearly had no idea how to accomplish the Herculean task of incorporating actual human emotion into the picture. So ins

I don't believe I ever saw an episode of Sabrina: The Teenage Witch, nor do I recall ever having heard of an animated spin-off. But apparently not only does such a thing exists, it has a Christmas episode. The plot focused on Sabrina's rivalry with a rich, stuck-up classmate. She attempts to put this character through the premise of A Christmas Carol to what I really, really wish had been hilarious effect. Ultimately, the writing and poor comprehension of the medium made the result tedious and uninspired. Structurally, it clearly wanted to feel like a sitcom: the characters were two-dimensional, and the world was mostly constrained. The only reason simplistic characters work at all in sitcoms is that actors are able to add depth or - at the very humor - to the backdrop. Take away the nuance, and you're left with a blank slate, which is exactly what this felt like. Using a bratty rich girl as the villain was about as lazy as you can get. The character was constructed

Before we wrap up our second year of Mainlining Christmas, we really need to correct an oversight. We've been meaning to get around to covering the three Futurama Christmas specials since day one, but we kept putting it off. Ironically, we were putting them off because we wanted to save them for when they were needed. Say, when we'd exhausted our supply of holiday specials and were waiting for Netflix to ship us something. Well, it turns out that's never going to happen. Contrary to our naive assumptions, the internet contains hundreds if not thousands of hours of holiday cheer. I dare say we could run this blog every Christmas for a decade and not run out. Lucky us. So, rather than rob our list of reviews of these three for yet another year, we're tackling them now. After some of the crap we've seen recently, these are a welcome relief. XMas Story (1999) This was the first of the Futurama holiday specials, and it introduced us to Robot Santa Claus, voice

We watched these two specials back to back – they're actually packaged together on Amazon Instant Video – and I feel that I should talk about them together. They have a lot in common: both revolved around the main character unmasking a villain standing in/taking over from Santa Claus, and both were made as a sort of afterthought to their affiliated series. Both were really awful. It's hard to identify one as being worse, though, because in that respect they were different. The animation was far worse on Inspector Gadget, as well as its egregious use of badly recorded singing. The voice recordings were so poor that I really thought they'd gotten different voice actors. The plot was arguably stupider on Sonic, the misuse of supporting characters worse, plus it added “X-treme” winter sports for no good reason. I know I haven't seen any Inspector Gadget in a while, but in this one they basically said flat out that if Dr. Claw hadn't sent agents after G

God, this series is weird. Part of me wants to see more, just to see if my memories are accurate. There's no question that this show had guts (the last episode ended with the extinction), but without seeing more I'm not quite ready to render a verdict on whether the show was actually good. This is the only episode of Dinosaurs I've seen in years, but it provides a good example of the dilemma I run into when thinking about this show. On one hand, it's a fairly scathing criticism of capitalism and consumerism. On the other, it's about as subtle as a rampaging T-rex. The premise is that, due to its importance in their lives, the dinosaurs celebrate the invention of the refrigerator with the same significance (and more or less all the same trappings) as Christmas. When Earl's Refrigerator Day bonus doesn't materialize, the family winds up having to make some hard choices between material objects (represented by gifts) and spiritual fulfillment (symbolize

Shari Lewis, the late ventriloquist and puppeteer behind Lamb Chop, was a beloved entertainer. That makes this a tad awkward, because this special was a steaming pile of shit. To be fair, Lewis is a phenomenal ventriloquist. But her sock puppets kind of suck, the writing is idiotic, and this thing makes little to no sense. The main plot revolves around Charlie Horse trying to win a contest by designing a superhero using a computer program which brings his creations to life. There's a subplot about Lewis and Lamb Chop trying to put on a Chanukah party for some washed-up guest stars, but that seemed fairly inane. The characters are astonishingly stupid, the jokes aren't the least bit funny, and the lessons drag even more than you'd expect. I appreciate the need for holiday options for Jewish children, but it seems tragic this is the sort of thing trying to fit that niche. Lewis comes off as genuinely talented, and I appreciate that there are people out there who are n

Watching these movies as an adult is a surreal experience. By all rights, Kevin's actions should have killed those two burglars several times over. And never mind the fact that he leaves his uncle's house a literal deathtrap. But, to be fair, neither this movie nor its predecessor were intended to be realistic. No, they're supposed to be comedies, which is how they should be judged. Hey. You know what would have helped? If these movies had actually been funny. I'm going to try to separate this from part one , which is actually pretty difficult, since they're the same damn movie. I mean, sure, this one's set in New York, but other than that, there's not really a single discernible difference in the plot. Even the jokes are reused. The movie starts with Kevin and his family getting into another ludicrously unbelievable fight over his behavior. They oversleep... again... but all make it to the airport together. He winds up separated and on his own in

Not much to this little Santa-themed episode. In my opinion, TaleSpin holds up better than many of the Disney Afternoon offerings, mostly because, like Duck Tales, it's spinning its tone and plots out of a old-fashioned pulp sensibility. In other words, it's dated on purpose, not by accident. TaleSpin also fascinates me because it's loosely based on a live-action television show from the 80's (set in the 30's) called Tales of the Gold Monkey. Only with the character designs and voices from The Jungle Book. Why did someone think that was a good idea? Why does it actually kind of work? I admit, I love Sher Khan the ruthless businessman and Baloo as a layabout pilot/adventurer. I like the new characters: Becky and Molly, Kit and Wildcat. I like that the plots are big and pulp-a-licious: hidden temples and secret spy missions and pirates. Unfortunately, this episode was basically none of those things. This episode was about Molly trying to ask Santa to make it s

I'm more of a fan of British Sitcoms than Erin is; I watched them a lot on PBS when I was in high school, and again when I worked nights when we lived in DC. However, I, uh, wouldn't start with either of these episodes. Keeping Up Appearances , in case you don't know, is a comedy of manners and class about a woman (Hyacinth Bucket) born to a lower-class family, now living a middle-class lifestyle while reaching for upper-class respectability. She, of course, constantly postures and overreaches herself, and annoys those around her to no end. I rather like how indefatigable she is, though. The Father Christmas Suit (called A Very Merry Hyacinth in US release) is a highly farcical episode, that definitely relies on the viewers knowledge of the characters prior relationships for its humor. As seemingly simple a thing as handing out presents in a church charity drive becomes a fiasco when Hyacinth decides just how it has to be perfect. It isn't a great episode, thou

At some point I reached an important realization about this movie. It wasn't that I was watching a bad movie - I knew that going in - but rather that the movie was the wrong movie. I don't mean that I wasn't watching the movie I'd set out to see - for whatever reason, I actually chose to put this on - but that the filmmakers had literally produced the wrong film. See, by all rights, this should have been a Tim Allen vehicle. The lead was clearly written like his character from Home Improvement. Casting Schwarzenegger made no sense. I don't mean to suggest this change would have made the movie better; just that it would made the movie's existence make sense. On the scale of bad Christmas movies, this isn't on the bottom. Before you read too much into that comment, keep in mind the scale we're considering descends into a very deep, very dark pit. And parts of this movie were actually funny. There's a scene in the middle involving an army of m

This is one of the myriad made-for-TV family movies that gets churned out every year. We try to keep a few of these in our queue to ensure we're experiencing the entire spectrum of holiday fare. As the title suggests, this one focuses on the character of Black Peter, a slightly obscure holiday figure, at least here in the US. For those of you not obsessed with Christmas lore, Black Peter is a child assistant to Saint Nick. Traditionally, he's the one charged with punishing children who were bad, an awkward bit of racist stereotyping which makes him an extremely difficult character to use. Since he never really took hold in America, it's pretty easy to skip him entirely and avoid the matter altogether. This movie instead re-imagines him as a kind-hearted adult accompanying Saint Nicholas in his journeys. It's an attempt to reclaim the character while simultaneously raising him in prominence. As a whole, the special isn't very impressive. Production values are

I remembering watching this show back when it started. I saw the first season, but gave up after a few episodes in the second, so I never got to this one. Before I go on, I'd like to point out that seeing Joseph Gordon-Levitt when he was that young is really messing with me. To think that kid grew up to become Cobra Commander. The episode is entertaining enough, and thanks to the series' concept, is actually about Christmas, not just set during the holidays. Like pretty much every single episode of the series, this was a comedy of errors about the disguised aliens trying and ultimately failing to understand our strange world. Ahem. That's why I got tired after a season back in the 90's. Fortunately, having not seen an episode since then, I was ready to jump back in. You get subplots for each of the main characters, though Dick clearly had the most screen time. He was cast as the episode's Scrooge, though he was always kind of Scrooge, so that's not a

Like most, my memories of Lois and Clark are hazy at best. The only other episode I've seen in recent years - another Christmas episode, coincidentally - was pretty awful, and I have it on pretty good authority the series was more bad than good. That said, when a friend mentioned there was a Christmas episode featuring Mr. Mxyzptlk, my interest was piqued. When I heard it was written by Tim Minear of Firefly fame, I was sold. Lindsay and I headed over to the WB site, found the episode, and settled in to watch. Overall, the episode was pretty good, despite some painful - and I do mean painful - sappy speeches at the end. Mr. Mxyzptlk fits in with the holiday theme, though his elvish aspects never really came up. Mxyzptlk was actually a bit darker than he usually is in the comics. Not content with creating mischief, he's out for world domination. Because his methods still focus more on tricks than outright destruction, enough of the character comes through to appease this

Like almost everyone who remembers Sesame Street before Elmo took over, I'm not really a fan of the red furball. I generally find him kind of cloying, and I wasn't really looking forward to an entire hour devoted to his adventures. But this won me over quickly. While it's certainly not on par with Christmas Eve on Sesame Street or a Muppet Family Christmas, this absolutely carries on that tradition. This is everything Sesame Street should be: funny, endearing, and a tad subversive. Oh, I suppose it's got a lesson or something for the kids. Right off the bat, the premise is explained in a loose frame story narrated by Maya Angelou (I don't think her presence really adds anything to the special, but then tossing guest stars in bit parts is common practice for these specials). Contrary to the title, the story is presented as the time "Elmo saved Christmas, then nearly lost it, again." And the special absolutely delivers on that promise. Elmo is presen

To my surprise, this movie is not actually terrible, just sort of boring. It's decently shot, and it has good music, but the characters are uninteresting and the plot is thin and slow. From the beginning, the whole set-up is heavy-handed; the level of anger and actual evilness from the family members is so over the top that it's hard to get behind the later desire for reconciliation. They are all jerks, and the kid is kind of better off without them. There are some truly random tone shifts; it feels as though most plot elements were added piecemeal, and moved around somewhat at random. It doesn't help that the continuous schtick prevents the characters from gaining any real emotional momentum. Macaulay Culkin mugs through the whole thing, seeming determined to prove he can't act. And then of course, there's the house of death. You remember the house of death, it's probbaly the only thing most people remember about this movie at all. It's the part whe

Hey, it turns out that totally by accident we saved the best for last! First we saw the pretty mediocre Nutcracker: The Movie, then a version with pluses and minuses starring Mikhail Baryshnikov. This one, though, was definitely our favorite. I should mention here at the front that one of the stars is Macaulay Culkin. It was good anyway, I promise. That's not to say it doesn't still have some problems, but the balance between film and stage is much better here. This one was actually enjoyable to watch for the whole first half! The first act is very strong. Stage magic is used instead of movie magic 99% of the time, the camera angles are well chosen, the makeup works in closeup, and overall the balance between movie-realism and the stylized nature of ballet is very well handled. The costumes and sets are great, but most important of all, it's well shot. Plus there's a plot! Sort of. The young dancers are surprisingly good. Drosselmeyer is fun, the story, such as

I only saw a fraction of the episodes of NewsRadio when they originally aired, but I saw enough to have a positive impression of the show. Most times, when you're nostalgic for something you saw years ago, the show's nowhere near as good as you remember. If this episode is any indication, it might be a whole lot better. The show has a cynical undercurrent bordering on a sort of cheerful nihilism. If that isn't perfectly suited for a Christmas episode, I don't know what is and probably shouldn't be writing a blog about the holiday. Certainly not a blog children could stumble across and accidentally learn there's no Santa Claus. Or God. The main plot, largely centered on the boss getting presents for the office, seemed predictable at first, but the writers sidestepped the obvious twists. There was also a subplot involving Phil Hartman and a Salvation Army Santa that almost had me falling over laughing. The episode was dark without being depressing, and funny

I'm sure that if I didn't have memories of this album, I would find it pretty weird. I mean, it is really cornball. However, I do have fond memories of listening to this music as a kid, so now I find it charmingly cornball, rather than annoyingly so. This is an album with a premise: a bunch of Disney characters get together to practice caroling, then they decide that they're going to actually celebrate Twelve Days of Christmas with a new activity each day. Most of the songs are prefaced by a little riff of "On the ____ day of Christmas, we play in the snow/go shopping/visit Santa/etc." It's odd today to listen to an album like this, which is heavily designed to be listened to in order, which was easier on the cassette tape of this I had originally than it is on my iPod. So all the songs are sung by actors (there are few specific credits on the CD, just a list of Vocals By:...) doing character voices, backed up by a studio choir keeping them on key. The pr

Watching An All Dogs Christmas Carol feels like watching a bizarre relic of a long forgotten era. Perhaps I'd feel differently if I'd ever seen either of the All Dogs Go To Heaven movies or a single episode of the TV series (which, prior to visiting Wikipedia, I didn't know existed). I assume there are people who are nostalgic for this series, though I don't think I've ever met a single one. I actually find it a little disquieting that this made-for-TV movie isn't all bad. It has plenty of bad parts and cheap animation, but it also has a few clever puns, some decent voice acting, and a script that someone at least put effort into. The story begins fairly generically, with what Wikipedia assures me were the main characters to the All Dogs movies and TV show celebrating the holidays. The villain, Carface, shows up with a magic dog whistle, and uses it to hypnotize the dogs and steal their stuff. All of this ties back to another villain Wikipedia ass

It's funny – I've always hated this movie. I actually saw it when it first came out. I didn't know what the word 'campy' meant then, but the portrayal of the characters and setting was just a bit too cartoonish for me at the time. I remember thinking that the first one was serious, while the second one was just a joke. But I've recently re-watched both Tim Burton Batman movies, and it turns out they're both equally campy; in their own, dark way, they're actually no less campy than the Adam West version. It also turns out I've been wrong about Batman Returns for my entire life. This movie kicks ass. Granted, this isn't the Batman geeks like myself have come to embrace. This Batman lacks the comic version's flat out moral refusal to kill. In fact, he incinerates one goon and shoves dynamite down the pants of a second (and then has the audacity to lecture Catwoman about killing later: the hypocrite). But this does a fantastic job explo