I Don't Want To Hear It

Sure, Christmas is largely about tradition, but there are some I can do without. You know what I'm talking about: every year, some jackass has to go repeat the same Christmas cliches, as if they've got something worthwhile to say. Well, here are a few "holiday reflections" I can do without, along with my standard response for the offending perpetrator:

"It's not ______ and stores are already putting Christmas displays up?"
How often I hear it: Every year
Proper response: Yeah, Christmas starts earlier every year. You know what that means? It means those of us with a preschool-level understanding of mathematics were expecting it to start earlier this year than last. So why don't you shut the hell up, start charting this shit, and brace yourself for the holiday season to overtake Memorial Day by 2016.

"I like Christmas, but I hate how commercialized it's become."
How often I hear it: Every damn year
Proper response: Nothing pisses me off more than a yuletide paradox. Listen up, because I'm only going to say this one more million times: Christmas, at its core, is the manifestation of commercialization. That's the true meaning of the holidays. It's the living symbol of the rebirth of the retail fiscal calendar, all right? So if you can't take the heat, get the hell out of line: the rest of us have some clearanced plastic crap to buy.

"I am so sick of Christmas music... and it's only December sixth!"
How often I hear it: At least once a year. Without fail.
Proper Response: Take your medicine and like it. What you're hearing is the soundtrack to Christmas.

"Happy Holidays!"/"Seasons Greetings!"
How often I hear it: About ten thousand times a year
Proper Response: I am so sick of your politically-correct bullshit. Sorry if you're offended by the name of a holiday you THINK you don't celebrate, but I've got some news for you: if you live in this civilization, you celebrate Christmas. You can't avoid it: you walk through stores decked out in red and green, you either have the 25th off or your job exists to keep the rest of us entertained on Christmas. Avoiding the word might let you pretend you're recognizing other people's beliefs, but when you actually pull the wrapping paper off, you discover that all those "other holidays" are just ornaments on the Christmas tree.

"Merry Christmas!"
How often I hear it: About twenty thousand times a year
Proper Response: I am so sick of your bullshit religious fanaticism! You know what Christmas trees, wrapping paper, ornaments, and mistletoe have to do with the birth of Jesus? The same thing Christmas does: jack shit. That's right, suckers: you're worshiping pagan symbols while your kids bow down to their lord and savior, Santa Claus. You really think just because the holiday was renamed seventeen hundred years ago that changes the fact it's built around the changing seasons? Here's a news flash: you may be too daft to pick up on the subtle clues, but people have been decking their halls with magic plants and graven images of animal spirits for two millenia now. Put zero and one together, back off, and let the rest of the world celebrate the season however they damn well want!

"Relax - I wasn't pushing a political agenda. I was just wishing you well this season."
How often I hear it: About thirty thousand times a year
Proper Response: Like hell. You really expect me to believe you just strolled in here with that shit-eating grin on your face and dropped a bomb in the culture wars with no clue what you were doing? Yeah. That's right! Just back away with that look on your face, as if I'm the crazy one. As if you weren't promoting a radical agenda when you wished me... wait. Were you the one who said "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays"? I... I kind of lost track there.