Full House: A Very Tanner Christmas (1992)

You know what I want? More than anything? I want a cut of this episode where every time they cue up the laugh track, we instead hear sounds of people weeping. Sobbing. Pleading for mercy.

Because I honestly think that would be far more synchronous. It's what we, as the audience, are feeling after all.

This episode was set in season six of the show, and I found it far more trying than the one we watched from season 2 (which was already pretty awful). The central plot seems to revolve around DJ and her high school boyfriend, Steve, who's just been accepted into a crappy college in Florida.

That's all the way across the country, which leaves DJ shaken. He's excited, since it means he actually got into a school, but she's convinced it means he's not serious about their relationship. This escalates when he gives her a sweatshirt bearing the school's name for Christmas. Meanwhile, she spent a fortune on a leather coat he wanted. They have a fight, he accuses her of trying to bribe him to stay, and they more or less break up.

Meanwhile, Stephanie is overly focused on the material aspects of the holidays, leading Uncle Jesse to promise a special present for her and Michelle. And Rebecca's depressed that it doesn't snow in San Francisco. We'll call this the C-plot.

Want more? Tough - there's a D-plot anyway. Danny's sad his girlfriend is working.

All that crap gets set up by the halfway mark. Then the Christmas party starts. In a misguided attempt to help DJ get over her breakup, Kimmy invites the entire wrestling team, all of whom are happy to spend Christmas day politely trying to win over DJ. But DJ, of course, is more interested in Steve.

Eventually, she talks to her dad who informs her she's being an ass. After a minute or so talking with her father, she realizes that Steve was right about her trying to manipulate him with an expensive gift, and she should be supportive of his choices.

The moral of today's story: teenage girls always listen to their dads.

She tries to get in touch with Steve, but doesn't need to try too hard: he's already at the party disguised as Santa. Fortunately, he's not there to murder her - he just wants to win her back in the creepiest way possible. She apologizes, tells him she was wrong and says they can make the relationship work long-distance, but it makes no difference, since he's decided to go to a local community college instead.

As for Jesse's special gift for Stephanie and Michelle, he takes them to a soup kitchen. They're shocked to see people who have things hard, and they're grateful for the experience. Suddenly, DJ listening to her dad doesn't seem as unrealistic anymore.

In case you're not throwing up already, Danny's girlfriend shows up, and Jesse takes Rebecca (and everyone else) into the backyard to show he rented a snow machine or something and managed to fill it. Cue the most generic Christmas episode wrap up imaginable.

God, I hate this show.


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