Year Three

We weren't going to come back.

The pain was too great; the burden too large. We looked at the task, at what it would entail, and we flinched. This wouldn't be a year of animated classics and Miracles on 34th Street: we've done those already. This was to be a year of Barney, Veggie Tales, and Adam Sandler. It was going to be hell.

So we ran. We fled across the country to a new city, where maybe - just maybe - we could start a new life. Maybe watch an Easter special or something; I don't know. And that was going to be it for the blog: let it die. Who needs it?

That's when the phone rang. Not the cell, not the land line... the other phone.

The message was bleak. Christmas was in danger. A conglomerate of evil businessmen aligned with foreign powers intent on undermining America, as well as secular groups legitimately trying to make their communities more inclusive for everyone, have pooled their resources in a coordinated attempt to destroy Christmas once and for all.

Remember that business in the 80's with candy canes that made kids fly then blow up? That was a goddamn trial run: this time, it's for real.

There was only one thing that could save Christmas, and that was holiday cheer. Not just normal amounts: it's going to take three hundred megayules of holiday spirit to make sure Christmas happens. Needless to say, that's a shitload of megayules. You could play Rudolph nonstop on CBS between now and December 25th and not get a tenth of that kind of energy.

In fact, there's only one thing that's ever demonstrated that kind of Christmas spirit, and that's Mainlining Christmas.

We realized that it wasn't about us. It was about the kids. And Santa Claus. And all the elves: Hermey, Lanny, Bryony, Richard Simmons, Buddy: all of them. And also kind of Jesus, I guess. Whatever. The point is, Christmas is bigger than any one. We knew what we had to do. We thanked the President and hung up the phone. Then we ordered the biggest artificial Christmas tree we could realistically fit in our apartment and started making a list.

Mainlining Christmas is back to save Christmas. You know the drill; you know what we do. We're starting this season with twice as much holiday music as we had this time last year. We've got shit on DVD you've never heard of and I suspect you'll wish you hadn't. And we're going to have Christmas fiction: way more than ever before.

So strap yourselves in, because between now and December 25th, we're going to be uploading the true meaning of Christmas one byte at a time.


  1. I'm waiting for you to start mainling all the Hallmark channel Christmas stuff. There's nothing like a crap ton of made for tv movies about holiday lessons. Good luck to you sir. May you survive the trilogy.


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