Mainlining Christmas

Remember the show Baby Blues ? Of course you don't. Apparently, it was one of the myriad animated sitcoms that was produced in the past two decades that producers hoped would miraculously obtain the kind of success The Simpson enjoyed, but that wound up being cancelled after half a season. When you think about it, it's a lot like the gold rush. Sure, every now and then a show like Family Guy or King of the Hill will inexplicably pull a nugget of gold out of a mountain stream in Colorado, but for every one of them a dozen Family Dogs and Capital Critters drown while trying to cross the Mississippi River. Baby Blues was sort of like a cross between Dr. Katz and Dilbert. It was based on a comic strip of the same name, which I've also never heard of. The Christmas Special was also the series's pilot. At least it was supposed to be: the WB produced it then sat on it. They wound up airing five other episodes then cancelling the series. It was eventually aired late

I started watching Prancer with quite a bit of trepidation. Erin said, “Well, think of it this way, it’s at least probably better than any other lost reindeer movie we’ve seen.” While that’s a low bar, I’m happy to report that Prancer not only passes, that it’s overall a pretty good movie despite a lame ending. I liked the main character from the very first scene. Jessica is a little girl with a big imagination and a bigger mouth. She’s stubborn and angry. She fights with her friends and with her brother and with her dad. She sticks to her guns and never gives up. I really liked her. One of the big strengths of this movie is that the dialogue feels strangely real, especially the kids’ dialogue. The child actors are fantastic. Jessica’s dad (Sam Elliot) is having economic troubles and trouble caring for her since her mom died, but their relationship is never schmaltzy. It’s full of things unsaid and words said in frustration, then awkwardly taken back. Her aunt has offered to ta

This is an hour-long Peanuts Christmas special from a decade ago. I wasn't expecting much, on account of the fact it's fairly recent, but I was pleasantly surprised. The special focuses almost entirely on Rerun van Pelt, Linus and Lucy's younger brother. I know that sounds like a recipe for disaster, but it actually had a pretty neat effect, particularly on Charlie Brown. For once, he's not a martyr: in fact, Rerun envies the fact he has a dog. It has the effect of making the Peanuts' world less one-dimensional, while providing some sense that these characters are starting to grow up. There's not a lot of plot here, but Rerun's desire for a pet holds this together. There's a sort of kid-friendly existentialism at play here, as Rerun ponders the unfairness of the universe. The whole thing has a very melancholy tone you wouldn't expect, either. There are a lot of jokes - most of which are genuinely funny - but at it's core, this is about alie

Love Actually is to romantic comedies what absinthe is to spirits. It represents the essence of a genre distilled to a point where it no longer tastes likes a romantic comedy, but even in small doses will still mess with your head. For better and for worse, Love Actually does not come packaged in small doses. This clocks in at around two hours and fifteen minutes. While I did enjoy the movie on this viewing, I would have thanked its editor for amputating forty-five minutes of that. I say "this viewing," because this is the second time I saw the film. I didn't care for it much after the first, though I slid it into that rare category of movies I didn't like but thought were quite good. I was actually someone distressed to find myself enjoying it this time, as I like having a handful of movies fitting that description I can whip out in conversation. Love Actually is about love. The theme is "love." The plot is "love." The characters are a

I want a documentary about the making of this movie. It would start with Brad Stine, a conservative Christian stand-up comedian doing a routine mocking people for saying "Happy Holidays." If you want to get the most out of this review, I recommend watching this before going on - it'll help offer some important context. If you can't make it through the whole thing, at least watch the first minute and a half: Well, Stine's routine got the attention of a Christian rock band, Go Fish, who wrote a song about it. I'm embedding their music video. And. Yes, you should really watch some of this, too. I know, I know... but this is important. This is going somewhere. Ugh. Yeah, I'm pretty sure they were serious. So, I guess that was popular in the Christian music scene, because a Christian production company decided to make a movie based on it. That song plays during the closing credits, and Stine has a supporting role where he delivers a rant bas

Wow, what a terrible movie. I mean, we knew it was almost certainly terrible going in, but it descended to unanticipated levels of terribleness. It’s a TV movie from ABC Family. Do I need to say more? Okay, here goes. A rising-star publicist by the unlikely name of Sloane faces a ridiculous riff on Christmas Carol when her recently deceased client shows up to fix her love life. It’s… almost cute in places, but the whole package is just horrible. Characters who are supposed to be “awful” are immediately and obviously “awful” in the most stereotypical ways. Oh, and the main character used to date a cute doctor? Guess who she’ll end up with? The whole beginning is ridiculous as they try to establish a ludicrous status-quo. Sloane is dating the boss’ son and has a rivalry with an ex-boyfriend! Sloane sometimes doesn’t have time for everyone in her life because she has a busy job! Wow, sounds… normal. Sloane deals absurdly poorly with the whole haunted-by-the-ghost-of-your-client th

It turns out I remember Nicktoons better than I thought I did, because I remembered this episode as we watched it. That’s always an odd feeling. It was also odd that it never once came up in this heavily Christmas-themed episode that one of the adults is Jewish, and the main kid is thus half-Jewish. At first I thought: maybe they hadn’t decided that about the characters at this point in the show (The Rugrats Chanukah special didn’t hit ‘til 1996) but a little googling tells me that it was in the first episode. So… that’s weird. I guess they didn’t think the viewing kids could handle more than one religion at a time. And anyway, this one’s all about Santa. For most of the episode, it’s actually quite well done. The episode is just packed with intertwining plots. Angelica’s dad is concerned about her being traumatized by the unmasking of a mall Santa (she’s just pissed that the toys the store gave her for her temper tantrum aren’t the expensive stuff she wants). Chuckie is afraid

Once you’ve seen one Christmas dramedy with a side of romance, you’ve seen… well, you’ve probably seen a horrible movie, but isn’t that why we’re here? To come together, in this joyous season, over the wonders and horrors that Christmas inspires in us all. Mostly horrors. Crazy for Christmas is a tv-movie about a single-mom limo-driver who gets a last-minute job on Christmas to drive an old rich guy around while he gives copious amounts of money to strangers and acts suspiciously excited about getting to know her. You already know he’s her dad, right? I mean, I knew from the first scene they had together. Erin thought maybe the guy was Santa. No such luck. Shannon (limo-driver) spends an hour and a half trying not to take the guy’s money and pitching awkwardly written emotional fits. I mean, they could have built a structure here where her reactions made sense, but no. She doesn’t trust him from the start, and then when he finally levels with her, she freaks out over something

This is a movie from the 90's about a man coincidentally named "Jack Frost" who was killed in the aftermath of an automobile collision in a blizzard and is then reincarnated as a snowman, giving him an opportunity to fulfill some unfinished business in a small town. Please note that everything written above applies both to this movie and to the 1996 horror film of the exact same name. If you get confused, just remember that this is the one that's actually kind of creepy. Ostensibly, this is a family comedy about second chances, a boy getting over the loss of his father, and a dog peeing on a living snowman's leg. I'm not sure it did an adequate job of conveying any of those themes, though judging by the use of musical montages, someone really wanted to pretend it had. The film tried to convince the viewer that they were being moved, but clearly had no idea how to accomplish the Herculean task of incorporating actual human emotion into the picture. So ins

Okay, do you remember the book A Cricket in Times Square? Me too. Do you remember the animated special adapted from the book, or at least that there was one? Yup. This is the holiday-themed sequel to that animated special. And it’s really quite good. We meet back up with our heroes from the first story: Harry the cat and Tucker the Mouse, who live in the tunnels near Times Square. Tucker is upset with how loud and angry everyone seems to be, even though it’s the holidays. The two mull it over for a while, then decide to get their friend Chester (the musical cricket) to return to New York to bring everyone a little Christmas Spirit. It’s Chuck Jones animation, which means that the movement is kinetic without being totally unrealistic, and the character designs are lovely. The soundtrack, however, might be the biggest star here. The montage that opens the special is meant to convey the insanity of New York City, and it does a pretty good job. There are a few songs sung or spoken-in-ti

There is, inside of me, a swell of rage and hatred, and it's all thanks to the 2009 CG production, "Yes, Virginia." Now first off, I want to acknowledge what's good about the special. And, as much as I hate to admit it, there's a quite a list. The animation looks good, the designs are generally inspired, the dialogue was competently written, and the voice acting - featuring both Doctors Horrible and Octopus - was pretty solid. So why then does this special make me angrier than anything else I've seen this year? Because of what it is, what it does, and why it exists. I appreciate that most Christmas specials are designed to make money - hell, it's part of what I love about the holidays - but generally those specials are direct in their strategy. A special's produced and sold to a network, advertising revenue changes hands, and on the back-end maybe DVDs are produced. It might not be charitable, but at least there's something honest about the s

I want to smack their stupid faces. I should start this by saying I have a thing about Glee. I watched about two-thirds of the first season before deciding I was ultimately not enjoying it and quitting before it became a full fledged addiction. This is the first episode I've seen since then. As I watched, I could feel the ghostly hand of pointlessly melodramatic soap-opera-style continuity calling me back. I could feel the chance that I would get sucked back in. Happily, I escaped, because this is a terrible episode. It continues to be basically the same plot: teen romance creates drama/evil gym teacher is wacky. Rinse, repeat. Overall the series, and this episode in particular, suffers from the tension between drama and farce. The drama is boring, but when the drama laspes, there's nothing to ground the farce. And the farce isn't funny enough to stand on it's own. The music was every bit as horribly over-produced as I remembered. I love musicals, but I

I've seen some great episodes of this series, but I think they were mostly from later seasons. This one, while decent, wasn't anything special. Like most episodes of most sitcoms, this one follows a couple different stories that are developing in parallel. I counted three main plot arcs: one following J.D., who's been drafted into filming a childbirth, a second that followed Elliot, who's trying to track down a pregnant teen in need of medical care for reasons too contrived to go into here, and a third revolving around Turk, who's lost his faith because he had to work a night shift during a bad musical montage. Some of it was interesting, but none of it really hooked me. The characterizations were far too over-the-top to be relatable, let alone believable, and the set ups felt forced. There were a few dream sequences - one of this series's signatures - but mostly they felt random and unconnected. Overall, the comedy was good, though very few of the jokes

This is one of the myriad made-for-TV family movies that gets churned out every year. We try to keep a few of these in our queue to ensure we're experiencing the entire spectrum of holiday fare. As the title suggests, this one focuses on the character of Black Peter, a slightly obscure holiday figure, at least here in the US. For those of you not obsessed with Christmas lore, Black Peter is a child assistant to Saint Nick. Traditionally, he's the one charged with punishing children who were bad, an awkward bit of racist stereotyping which makes him an extremely difficult character to use. Since he never really took hold in America, it's pretty easy to skip him entirely and avoid the matter altogether. This movie instead re-imagines him as a kind-hearted adult accompanying Saint Nicholas in his journeys. It's an attempt to reclaim the character while simultaneously raising him in prominence. As a whole, the special isn't very impressive. Production values are

I don't think it's possible to deny this is one of the four pillars of animated Christmas Specials, along with the Grinch, Frosty, and Rudolph. Of those, I think this and the Grinch stand a little above the other two.  I like both Rudolph and Frosty, but I think they have some serious flaws.  Personally, I'm of the opinion that A Charlie Brown Christmas is more or less perfect. There are a few things that really impress me.  The first is that, by rights, I shouldn't be interested in this.  My love of Christmas is almost entirely founded in the fantasy aspects of the holiday: Santa Claus, magic, and all that.  The Christian elements have no inherent interest to me.  I'm not religious now, and I never have been.  In almost every case but this one, the "Christmas Story" bores the hell out of me. But not here.  When Linus gets up on stage and the music goes silent, my eyes and ears are glued to the screen while he delivers his monologue.  The line, &

You know how you've never heard of the 1985 For Better or For Worse Christmas special? Yeah, there's a reason for that. Now, first I want to make a couple quick disclaimers. I've never followed the comic strip this is based on, and don't know any more about it beyond what I've gleamed over the years from news reports and skimming the Wikipedia article. From what I can tell, the comic incorporated some brilliant, long-term storytelling techniques and was probably massively influential, bla, bla, bla. The special wasn't actually bad. It was just... simple. Direct. As inoffensive as it was unfunny. You know something? I'd have preferred outright bad. Really bad specials are still fun. They hold my attention and move along at a clip. Before I know it, they're over, and I'm laughing and thinking of all the interesting things I'm going to say about them. But this... this was just boring. It wasn't sweet or endearing, regardless