Christmas is CANCELLED

So. Everything is awful.

President Elect Meisterburger has pledged to orchestrate a complete and total shutdown of elves entering the country, and the Winter Warlock is heading up his transition team. Once again, Kris Kringle is public enemy number one.

This is as dark as it gets. As cold and bleak and empty. This is the point in the special some kid's supposed to shed a tear and say Christmas is going to be cancelled.

But that's backwards. Christmas isn't supposed to be bright and sunny - it never was. Christmas thrives in this shit. It was born here, in the darkest season, when it seems like the light's gone for good. For millennia, humans have celebrated in order to spite the darkness. We've come together to drive the cold winter away or, barring that, to get drunk on eggnog and exchange sweaters.

And nothing's going to change that. If President Meisterburger starts a war that leaves the planet a radioactive wasteland, we'll crawl out of our sewer sanctuaries, decorate the ruins of our cities, and make something nice for our mutated neighbors. Hell, Weird Al already has us covered with a jingle - that's how prepared we are.

Whatever the world wants to throw at Christmas, we'll take it, string lights on it, and sell it to desperate last-minute shoppers. And maybe at the end of this, we'll all feel a little better. Or maybe we'll just get to feel crappy together - either is in keeping with holiday tradition.

Hell, maybe if we're really lucky, three ghosts will show President Meisterburger the error of his ways. Assuming he doesn't just sue them.

No matter what, we'll be here, hanging our stockings over the secret entrance to the underground bunker we're installing to hide the elves from President Meisterburger's deportation force. Welcome back to year seven of Mainlining Christmas. No stop-motion despot's going to stop us from enjoying the holidays.

Huh. I never noticed before: he has really tiny hands.


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