Mainlining Christmas

The strange lighting, coupled with the almost alien music and meandering story line of Eyes Wide Shut , created a dreamlike effect. And by "dreamlike effect," I literally mean the movie almost put me to sleep, because it was astonishingly, bafflingly, almost unbelievably boring. This was one of the most boring movies I've seen since... well... actually, it hasn't been that  long since I've seen something this boring, but keep in mind I watch a hell of a lot of bad Christmas flicks. But the competition generally goes more than ten minutes without showing naked people: Eyes Wide Shut has no excuse for failing to hold anyone's attention. I heard a while ago that this was a Christmas movie, which I wasn't aware of. Turns out, the movie is Christmas through and through. Christmas lights, in particular, are in damn near every scene that doesn't contain weird sex cults. Half of the film's lighting seems to come from multicolored bulbs. The other half

Between now and Christmas, we'll be posting a "Nerdtivity" scene every night at midnight. Tonight's picture is a reminder of the dangers of science without constraint. By the way, the contest for best Nerdtivity has entered the "audience voting" phase. You can view all the pictures and  vote for your favorite here . Once you've looked at the options, just scroll to the bottom and comment with the number for your pick. Our entry, Away Team in a Manger, is #26.

Well, here’s one for the list, ‘rightly consigned to the dustbin of history’. Elmer is an elf, but he hates being an elf. It’s not that he’s bad at it, he’s just a complete slacker. Ladies and gentlemen, your protagonist. After a few painful scenes after which Elmer should have been summarily fired, he pulls out an Elf manual and discovers that he could become a real boy (just like Pinocchio?) by going to the human world, doing a good deed, and making a wish by noon on Christmas Eve. He semi-accidentally sets off some high-tech gizmos on Santa’s sleigh, and the sleigh brings him to Plantville, USA. Guess what’s in Plantville. Did you say a plant, boys and girls? You win more of this terrible film. A plastics plant, the only thing in town, has recently shut down and the town is on edge. You’ll never know, though, because the characters are all either completely over the top caricatures or completely flat and uninteresting. The villain who ran the plant is introduced randomly

This is a little awkward. Despite the fact the toy I'm reviewing is a Toys 'R' Us Exclusive, it is absolutely arguable that some of the photographs of this toy could be considered NSFW. I doubt anyone will be that offended by the imagery, but I wanted to offer a warning upfront. A while back, I explained why Prometheus should be considered a Christmas movie (short version: because it IS a Christmas movie). That was at the forefront of my mind when I came across the above 2-pack on clearance at Toys 'R' Us. I looked at the design of the "trilobite" and considered how it resembled the Star of Bethlehem, and how that was almost certainly intentional. I grabbed it, because, in its own twisted way, this is actually a piece of Christmas merchandise. For the record, the $19.98 price tag is before the 60% discount was applied. I paid $5.99 for this, not a ha'penny more. The $20 was already a markdown: it started around $35, if I remember correctly. Th

Snowy winterscape. Christmas music. Shot of a cathedral. Repeat for an hour. Neither Lindsay nor I recall adding this to our Netflix queue, but somehow it got on there. Maybe it just migrated its way on or something. It's difficult to imagine either of us intentionally putting it there. Regardless, it arrived at our home, so we watched it. It was, first and foremost, kind of boring. It wasn't bad, of course. It just wasn't anything more than what it was. And what it was can be accurately described in the fragment-filled opening paragraph of this review. There was essentially no substance - it was music and video; that's all. For what it's worth, the music was good. Though the subtitles were pretty awful. "Wast"? Really? And here I always thought the past tense of "was" was "was". The video was good, by which I mean it was pretty. Lots of snowy streets, trees covered in snow, frozen lakes that were coated in snow, churches ad

This year, I am taking on The Big Book of Christmas Mysteries , a 674 page tome containing 59 individual stories about the Christmas season. Conveniently, it’s broken up into blog-post sized sections. For today I’ve read sections seven and eight. (Section  1 ,  2 ,  3 & 4 ,  5 ) A Surprising Little Christmas Noel, Noel , Barry Perowne - The long build up was kind of dull for the okay punchline. Death on Christmas Eve , Stanley Ellin - A more interesting twist here, it colors the whole story before. The Chinese Apple , Joseph Shearing - Fine, a bit obvious. These three stories each end in what amounts to a punch line. "Noel, Noel" is told by a man learning the story of what his good-for-nothing brother, Noel, did with his life. It’s fine. Not really a mystery. "The Chinese Apple" has a twist that I saw coming a mile off. "Death on Christmas Eve" was a bit more interesting. It follows a lawyer called to a house. A brother and sister live t

Between now and Christmas, we'll be posting a "Nerdtivity" scene every night at midnight. Tonight, we're presenting this portrayal of the construction of the robot Savior who kills for his own sins. Futurama fans will of course recognize this scene as being set in Mexico. By the way, the contest for best Nerdtivity has entered the "audience voting" phase. You can view all the pictures and  vote for your favorite here . Once you've looked at the options, just scroll to the bottom and comment with the number for your pick. Our entry, Away Team in a Manger, is #26.