Holiday in Handcuffs (2007)

I need you to understand, before I type another word, that this movie is not normal. That's not intended to imply that this is good or bad - it's my opinion Holiday in Handcuffs exists outside of such a simplistic dynamic. Likewise, I'm not going to retreat to "so bad it's good," as I don't think that's an accurate description of the movie. I submit this movie is, instead, best described as "fucking bizarre."

First some background, at least to the limited degree background information is at all available. The movie was produced by "ABC Family," which was something of a competitor for Hallmark in the TV Christmas movie field during the first decade of the millennium, before Hallmark reached a point where calling other entities "competitors" is something of a misnomer. ABC Family tended to be a bit more PG than Hallmark - really, the movies I've seen from them are closer to what Netflix and other streamers are now putting out. This was apparently one of their biggest hits, setting a record for the network back in 2007.

None of that explains my earlier comment on how strange this, but perhaps this will help: it's directed by Ron Underwood, best known for making Tremors. Okay, fine, he's probably better known for City Slickers, but it's closer than anyone would ever have expected in the '90s. Besides, I'd maintain "TV Christmas romcom from the director of Tremors" is about as close to a description of Holiday in Handcuffs as you're going to get.

Before you get too excited, know that the "TV Christmas romcom" aspects aren't sidetracked here. This ultimately embraces its genre. It just also kind of pulverizes it with a meat tenderizer.

If it weren't for the overly sentimental, cheesy love-conquers-all stuff (and matching generic musical score), this would be easier to describe. If this hadn't backed away from its bonkers premise and twisted characters in the last act, then I'd feel comfortable assuring you it's a really good movie and leaving it at that.

The thing is, I'm not sure being a better movie would improve the utterly bizarre experience of watching this. This really does feel like something balanced just between a Coen Brothers crime comedy and a Hallmark Christmas movie, and half the fun is watching it teeter from side to side before toppling firmly into its inevitable Hallmarky conclusion.

And, to be clear, that experience is fun. Ridiculously so, for the most part. There are moments of brilliance, and moments that will make you cringe. And it all makes for a great time. Is it a great movie? No, absolutely not. Is it even good? No damn clue. Am I recommending it regardless? Hell, yes. No hesitation.

Feel free to jump ship now, though I wouldn't worry about spoilers. Knowing the plot in advance won't ruin the experience: I doubt reading the script in advance would have much of an impact.

The movie's main characters are Trudie (Melissa Joan Hart), a struggling painter working at a diner, and David (Mario Lopez), the successful businessman she kidnaps from the diner at gunpoint and brings to her parents' cottage for Christmas in an attempt to convince them her love life is going better than her career. David (who's introduced as "Nick," standing in for Trudie's ex, who broke up with her just before they were supposed to go to her parents') attempts to escape, to explain the truth, and to call for help, but Trudie's always either lucky or one step ahead... at least for a while. Eventually, he gets her brother's cell and manages a quick call to his fiancé, who grabs the police and starts trying to track them down.

In the meantime, David decides to play the part of the perfect boyfriend in order to make it all the more humiliating for Trudie when the truth comes out. But naturally the two start falling for each other.

On top of that, there's a whole set of side stories built around Trudie's family being the usual dysfunctional (but well-meaning) lunatics. Her mother is repressed and feels like she's wasted her life, her father feels trapped, her sister is lying about her dreams and her enrollment, and her brother has been hiding his sexuality. Oh, and the grandmother (played by June Lockhart, the legendary actress appearing in Meet Me in St. Louis, the 1938 MGM adaptation of A Christmas Carol, and a metric ton of non-Christmas media) is a drunk who pulls a gun on the police when they finally show up and put an end to the charade.

David returns with his fiancé but doesn't press charges. Trudie, hopelessly in love with David and depressed at where things stand, redoubles her efforts to make it as an artist, an occupation David encouraged during one of several sincere exchanges towards the end of his captivity.

The movie jumps ahead to Valentines Day, possibly in a nod to Sleepless in Seattle, which was also built around a woman behaving in a somewhat unhinged way (though, unlike Sleepless in Seattle, Holiday in Handcuffs was stylized to give the antics a sort of cartoonish flare). David is having second doubts about marrying his wealthy, self-obsessed fiancé. Meanwhile, Trudie has one of her pieces accepted into an art show. Her parents show up and reveal they've gotten therapy and grown as people. In addition, Trudie's painting is purchased by an anonymous buyer.

Then, after the show, she's kidnapped and blindfolded as she's getting into her car. Her abductor brings her to an office and reveals he's David, here to express his love for her. Oh, and he bought her painting. Regardless, the two kiss, and the movie wraps with a voiceover about love or something.

The movie's shifts in tone and genre are even more pronounced than I'm making them sound, with the caveat it never takes itself seriously enough to let you question whether there's a happily-ever-after in store for its two leads. Even so, Underwood directs the crime and comedy sequences like the larger-than-life, reality bending sequences in movies like Heathers. It's nowhere near as dark, but it's all meant to come across as absurd and unhinged... and the effect is delightful.

Unfortunately, the music wasn't scored with the same philosophy. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess Underwood wasn't involved in this aspect of the production, since it works against his direction, giving the whole movie a bland overtone. While the shifts into family Christmas comedy don't detract from the experience, the music does. If there's one aspect I'd change, it'd be that one.

But on the whole this thing is just so out there I found it impossible not to enjoy. Again, I'm not saying that adds up to "good," but sometimes movies don't need to be good in order to be worthwhile.