The Spirit of the Season is Upon Us

Black Friday may be one of our newest holidays, but I would argue that it is nevertheless the most primeval one celebrated by our culture, as well as the one most reflective of our values.

America is truly a capitalist country, as was made abundantly clear during our last election.  What better way to celebrate this blanket rejection of socialism than by dismissing government-recognized holidays for those the market deems holy.  And surely there is no day more sacrosanct to corporations than this.

It is also the only holiday we have involving human sacrifice.  Sure, these aren't officially sanctioned or - so far as we know - planned, but inside you know that, every year, someone, in most cases an innocent store clerk just trying to do their job, is going to be killed by a stampede of customers, or a couple of shoppers will get into a dispute over a TV and shoot each other dead.

The method of the sacrifice may change, but the reason is always the same.  These people die for greed.  Whether it's the greed of their fellow shoppers, the people they're trying to help, or a corporate marketing plan designed to whip customers into a frenzy so they'll spend a bit more money, every mall and department store in this country becomes an altar to this hunger.

And somewhere, someone will be laid before one of those altars.

There can be only one reaction to this truth: jubilance.  And, as they always do, the media is already out in force to give the holiday's most enthusiastic fans their due.

Good will and peace on Earth are for suckers: this is the true spirit of the holiday season.  And Black Friday is the day that spirit is consecrated.  In blood.

Don't cry for the victims, though, for theirs is the best of fates.  Anyone sacrificed on Black Friday will live forever in that glorious Walmart in the sky, where they can shop for all eternity.

Merry Black Friday, one and all.