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A Disney Channel Christmas (1983)

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Man, I loved this when I was a kid. We had the Disney Channel when I was little, back when it was the channel that showed wall-to-wall old Disney Cartoons and "tween" programming wasn't yet a glimmer in a marketing director's eye. I watched all the Disney Channel Holiday Specials.  There was one for Christmas, and one for Halloween hosted by the Magic Mirror from Snow White, and one for Valentine's Day, and maybe some that I'm forgetting.  They are essentially themed clip shows, but sometimes it would be the only time you would see some of these bits. There were three main types of content spliced together to make this special, so I'm going to talk about each in turn: 1) Material from Movies This is the least interesting part for me now, and I don't remember it much from watching as a kid, so maybe it bored me then too.  A few of the pieces fit the theme well, especially the skating scene from Bambi and the Waltz of the Flowers from Fantasia. 

A Martian Christmas (2009)

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Not to be confused with the classic "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians," this is an hour-long Christmas special about a ridiculously small group of Martians coming to Earth to blow it up. I'm assuming this was intended to be shown on television, though I'm having a hard time finding evidence it actually ever aired. There's no Wikipedia page up for the special, and the page for PorchLight Entertainment , the company which made it, reads like it was written by someone working for the company. Or their mother. All things considered, this really isn't a bad special. There are some solid jokes surrounding the Martians' misconceptions of Earth based on television broadcasts, as well as the similarities between the little green men from Mars and Christmas elves. Plus, they're ostensibly here to blow up the Earth, which always makes for good comedy. The thing is, while this isn't bad, it isn't exactly good, either. The animation is pretty

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

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This was a very confused movie. I'm not saying that just because I got a little tipsy before watching it, but you may want to keep that fact in mind. The first five minutes are insipid crap, and then the action moves to Mars and I started to... enjoy the movie! The premise is, the kids of Mars are addicted to Earth TV, and they are depressed and not eating. The leader of the Martians calls up his deputies and seeks the advice of the Ancient One. The Ancient One tells him the kids are sick because with the Martian advanced learning technology, the kids learn how to be adults too fast, and never learn to have fun. He recommends seeking the specialist in childhood joy: Santa Claus.  And so the Martians set off to capture Santa. Now, for all the inherent silliness, most (not all) of the actors playing Martians are acting just as serious about their roles as most any cast member of Star Trek, Forbidden Planet, etc. There is a serious problem on their planet, this will fix it, so t

Card: Winter Memories

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The Fat Albert Christmas Special (1977)

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This is one of four specials included on a DVD I fished out of the bargain bin at Best Buy labeled, "The New Christmas Classics."  I'm not exactly sure what qualifies all of these as "New", let alone "classics." If the internet is to be believed, The Fat Albert Christmas Special premiered in 1977, so it's been around for a while.  I put this on not having any idea what to expect - if I've ever seen an episode of this series before, I was too young to remember. All right, let's get this out of the way.  This special is boring.  Not mind-numbing or painful, but it definitely drags. The comedy doesn't help, either.  I don't know if the jokes are just anachronistic or what, but they didn't age well. That said, the special is far from a total waste.  While the jokes fall flat, the drama hits its mark.  The story plays out surprisingly well, and the writing is heartfelt and intelligent.  The special weaves elements of the Ch

Cynicism in Small Children

I don't remember a time that I believed in Santa, I mean really believed. I spent a long time sort of believing in a "non-personified force of seasonal charity" that was conventionally understood as Santa, but I don't remember ever thinking that a literal person delivered gifts to the children of the world. This position may have been prompted by the simple fact that 'Santa's' handwriting looked, well, exactly like my Dad's. Did other kids get letters back from Santa? Sometimes I thought it was just to explain why we didn't get what we asked for, but something else instead. Or by the fact that while my parents said they wanted me to believe, and they made my brother and I go through the motions for a long time, it never quite seemed like they could get through the routine without seeming patronizing or winking. At some point, I had had it. I was not going to put up with this flagrant deception any longer.  I don't remember how old I was,

Rebuttal: Frosty The Snowman (1969)

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I did not like this special. I frankly don't find the over literal interpretation of the song charming, but rather, extremely grating. For example, the children say “We just know you came to life, we just know it...” and then the narrator sings: “He was made of snow but the children know how he came to life...”  It's almost too hokey for words. Wait, I have two. Bah, and Humbug, I say. The sound is uneven, the foley choices terrible, the animation cheaper than dirt. I was almost more surprised when the mouths matched the voices than when they didn't. It didn't look like they were even trying. I suppose it doesn't help that I'm only occasionally tolerant of a musical genre I call “crappy old novelty”.  Rudolph is okay, Frosty is on the margin. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus is stupid. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer is a crime against music. I say skip the damn thing.