End of Days (1999)

I found the key to unraveling this bizarre religious horror/action movie buried in its Wikipedia article: prior to falling in the hands of director Peter Hyams, End of Days was apparently offered to Sam Raimi and Guillermo del Toro, either of which would most likely have turned the seemingly bonkers premise of pitting Arnold Schwarzenegger against the devil into the amusingly bonkers farce it deserved to be. But they were both busy (or perhaps uninterested), resulting in Hyams taking over the project. To his credit, Hyams proves capable of delivering a sleek, visually impressive movie. The effects are solid, including some early CG that (mostly) avoids the pitfalls of looking cheesy or dated.

But none of that means much, because he doesn't seem to be in on the joke here. Despite some objectively ridiculous dialogue, names lamp-shading campy origins (for Christ's sake, there's a priest named Thomas Aquinas), and - again - Schwarzenegger blasting the devil with enough firepower to lay siege to the North Pole, this is a somber, dour film shot as if it has some deep theme or statement to offer. The result is simply baffling; too boring to be fun and too absurd to work on any other level.

I should note this is one of several apocalyptic movies made in the last decade of the millennium ostensibly exploring concerns around the calendar. The 1995 sci-fi flick Strange Days was far more successful developing a similar tone, while the Spanish film, The Day of the Beast (also from 1995), explored very similar subject matter to End of Days, albeit incorporating pointed satire. All three are holiday movies, with End of Days and Strange Days set on the last New Year's Eve of the millennium and The Day of the Beast set on Christmas a few years earlier.

I suspect The Day of the Beast partially inspired the script for End of Days, though the visual references are more in line with a combination of American religious horror and various films from Schwarzenegger's filmography. If so, they missed a crucial element: The Day of the Beast was subversive in its portrayal of institutionalized religion, while End of Days comes off as reverent to the Catholic Church. Sure, there are some secondary villains in the form of Vatican knights trying to assassinate the innocent woman chosen to bring about the titular end of days, but the majority of religious figures, Pope included, are depicted as wise and honorable. That's not necessarily a problem, of course, but it adds to the sense this movie has little to offer beyond contributing to the Satanic panic of the '80s and '90s.

Alternatively, you could almost make the case the last act is some version of The Terminator or Predator reskinned in the trappings of Catholic mythology. The movie's most promising sequence focuses on Arnold preparing for battle against the Prince of Darkness. Unfortunately, the actual faceoff is disappointing: his guns only slow Satan down - it's ultimately an act of faith and sacrifice that saves the world.

Speaking of which, it's probably past time we got the plot. Following a short prologue in 1979 showing the birth of a girl, we skip ahead to a few days before New Year's Eve on 1999, when the devil possesses a Wall Street Banker (Gabriel Byrne as maybe the one thing in this movie that actually works) and blows up a restaurant. Next, we're introduced to protagonist Jericho Cane (I warned you about the names), a former NY cop turned bodyguard played by Arnold Schwarzenegger. Along with his partner, Bobby Chicago (again, those names), he's tasked with protecting a banker, who (try to to contain your surprise) turns out to be the aforementioned devil. Of course Jericho doesn't realize this yet - all he knows is someone's trying to murder his employer.

This kicks off a cat-and-mouse game with the killer, who is eventually revealed to be the priest, [sigh] Thomas Aquinas. Jericho also finds clues pointing him towards Christine York, a twenty-year old woman plagued by visions all her life. Jericho finds Christine just in time to save her from a renegade group of Vatican knights trying to murder her to ensure Satan can't have sex with her and bring about the end of the world.

The movie bends over backwards to tell us this is in direct defiance of a Papal decree to meet this threat with faith and not kill an innocent. But, okay, you can see where these guys are coming from: the End of Days will occur if and only if Christine has sex with the devil between 11PM and 12AM on New Year's Eve, so if they can ensure that can't happen, creation will be in the clear.

We're never really given much of a justification for why the devil shacking up with a chosen one will bring about the apocalypse. The movie is clearly borrowing a great deal of this from The Omen and similar stuff drawing on the idea of the anti-Christ and the Book of Revelations, but it's worth noting Christine wouldn't give birth to a child who'd destroy the world: Hell would just immediately take over after they sleep together. If anything, Christine's birth and life parallel that of the usual anti-Christ's, with the caveat she isn't in any way evil.

She is, however, physically attracted to the devil, a detail that feels kind of icky in execution. She keeps saying she's unsure if she'll be able to resist him, as she's been effectively groomed for this her whole life through visions her satanic overseers have told her to ignore (she was raised by her secretly satanic nurse after being orphaned).

Regardless, Jericho saves her from the knights, then helps her escape the devil, though Bobby Chicago is blown up and presumably killed. Jericho takes her to a church, where she'll supposedly be safe, since the devil can't see inside. He then goes home to his apartment, where the devil shows up and tries to bribe him into giving up Christine's location by offering Jericho his family back. Apparently his wife and daughter were killed years earlier while he was working late. The devil shows him a vision of a life with them still alive, then - after Jericho refused - he shows him them getting killed. Relevant to our purposes, this vision is set at Christmas, though it's unclear if they were killed at Christmas or if it's simply because it's currently the holiday season.

They fight a bit, and Jericho manages to seemingly outsmart the devil and throw him out the window. Almost immediately after this, Bobby Chicago shows up alive and well and convinces Jericho to let him help get Christine to safety. This goes about as well as you'd expect, as Chicago has secretly made a deal with the devil to avoid burning to death. Jericho is surrounded by the devil's minions, tied to a cross, and strung up, and Christine is taken away.

This is late on December 30th, in case anyone was curious. Early the next morning, a priest who survived Satan's assault the night before finds Jericho and nurses him back to health. Jericho arms himself and locates the devil's hideout by tracing Bobby Chicago's car. He sneaks in and rescues Christine just before the devil can consummate the union. Chicago has a change of heart and goes back on his deal with Satan, who then sets him on fire in retaliation, while Jericho blows up most of the devil's minions who are present.

This transitions into a chase through subways tunnels with Jericho unloading his arsenal into the devil, whose ability to heal his host body is eventually depleted. As Jericho and Christine barricade themselves in a church a few minutes before midnight, it seems they've won... but then the devil's spirit possesses Jericho. Christine, however, tells Jericho to fight back, and she's able to get through to him. He then impales himself on a sword, essentially following through on the suicide he contemplated earlier, only as an act of faith and sacrifice rather than despair. The devil is banished back to hell, Jericho (and Christine) see the spirits of his family welcoming him to heaven, and Christine is left alive.

Again, in the hands of a director able to juggle the ridiculous premise with frightening imagery, this might have worked, but Hyams only manages the horror elements. The inherent absurdity of some of this does prevent it from being a total loss, at least: no matter how badly the director fumbles it, Schwarzenegger is still bantering with and ultimately unloading weapons into the literal devil as if he's a generic action movie villain - there's no way that's not going be a little fun. But the movie fails to capitalize on that humor, leaving you bored eight minutes for every two you're engaged.

What's there really to say about the holidays? Obviously, this is focused specifically on paranoia surrounding the turn of the millennium - it's about a specific New Year's Eve, not New Year's in general. Beyond that, it of course plays with religious iconography and faith associated with the Christmas season (Jericho spends most of the movie hating God, then finally prays for help at the end). It also briefly leverages the familial aspects of the holidays to contrast with the murder of Jericho's wife and daughter.

This is one of those movies that doesn't work, though I will say it's not quite as bad as its 11% Rotten Tomatoes score implies. Twenty-five years ago, a cheesy Schwarzenegger vehicle felt tired; now - in spite of how mismanaged it all is - the ludicrousness of some of this shines through a little brighter. I'm not recommending this (not by a longshot), but I suspect the right viewers approaching this from the right viewpoints will find it entertaining in spite of itself. But while I could see the silver lining, I couldn't quite appreciate it. Feel free to see if your mileage will vary, but don't say I didn't warn you if it doesn't.

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