Mainlining Christmas

Erin usually does the fiction, but I figured he shouldn't be the only one to have all the fun. Here's my first short story for Mainlining Christmas, a fantasy piece: Juliette and the Christmas Invitation By: Lindsay Stares The Lady Viola rode over the icy ridge, and an enormous hedge came into view on the horizon. She patted the neck of her steed. “There’s the Maze of Needles, Surefoot. According to the stories, we’ll find the crystal of pure light that will cure the queen there.” “I hope so, Viola,” Surefoot replied. “We've been looking for so long.” “Julie!” A light came on by the back door. “It's getting dark, come inside.” “Fifteen minutes! I need to rescue the queen,” Julie yelled. “Santa’s watching!” “Five minutes?” “Bring in your toys and you can rescue the queen after dinner.” Her mom disappeared inside. Now that the light by the back door was on, the sky suddenly seemed much darker. Julie grabbed her doll and horse out of the snow, st

Okay, this isn't 'officially' a Christmas Game. However, it was recommended to us as a good game to play at Christmas, and really, when else in the year do you expect to give and receive gifts to/from everyone you know? You can think of Gift Trap a little bit like the old Newlywed Game, but with your friends. For each round, a selection of possible gifts are laid out on the board. Depending on which deck you play with for a specific round, these gifts have an average value. For example, if you play with the cheapest deck, the gifts might include a tool belt and a webcam. In the most expensive deck, they might include a luxury trip or a collection of vintage champagne. Some of the gifts are funny, some are impressive, and some raise questions, which your group can choose to discuss or let each person make their own assumptions. All the player pieces come in these cute tulle bags. Once the gifts are laid out, your first task is to decide which gift to give e

3 Godfathers is one of many adaptations of Three Godfathers, which seems to be the quintessential Christmas Western. The premise is relatively simple: three criminals adopt an orphaned child in the desert and attempt to get him to safety. If you're rolling your eyes at the obvious parallels to the wise men, rest assured the characters notice and address this in both this version and the 1913 story it's based on. It's worth noting that the fantastic Tokyo Godfathers was inspired by this, as well. This version seems to be one of the most famous. It's actually the second time John Ford adapted the story for film. In 1919, he made a version named "Marked Men," and even that was a remake of a 1916 version made by Edward LeSaint. Bother the 1916 and 1919 versions starred Harry Carey, who died the year before 3 Godfathers was made. The movie's dedicated to him, and it features his son, Harry Carey, Jr. as the youngest of the godfathers. But the star of the

Meet "Holiday Surprise" Barbie, who is apparently a Target Exclusive. This is essentially a cheaper spin on the annual collector Holiday Barbies that go for around $30. This mass produced low-end version, packaged with a simpler costume and some accessories, only costs about half as much. The first thing you'll notice is that the figure is displayed extremely well in her packaging. If you think that's a good thing, you probably don't open that many toys: it takes numerous elastics and binders to hold her into place, and freeing her is an exercise in madness. If you're familiar with Barbie, the doll won't be too surprising. This is of course one of the simpler models - no wrist, ankle, or elbow articulation. She does have soft, rubbery legs which allow the knees to lock into three slightly different poses. Other than that, her shoulders, legs, and hear all contain ball joints. The doll isn't all that nice, but - to be fair - she's more

We went into this with a lot of trepidation, between the snooze fest that was the predecessor and the cruddy-looking CG. However, this special was actually much better than the first! It follows basically the same format - short pieces linked by pedantic narration - but the pieces themselves are far superior. It’s as though the people writing them actually liked their jobs, liked the characters and cared about the humor (again, completely unlike the first special). Furthermore, the special is the same length, but there are five pieces instead of three. The shorter format is much stronger. The first piece combines artistry and humor as Minnie and Daisy try to outdo each other as the stars of an amateur skating show. They each have backup skaters from the Fantasia Dance of the Hours sequence. It’s sweet and funny without getting too sappy, and we were surprised with how decent the animation was. (Complete side note: I don’t know if shipping Minnie and Daisy together is a thing,

This direct-to-video special comes from a particular time in the history of the Disney company. When it came to anything starring classic Disney characters, they hadn't yet embraced a modern sense of humor or story, but had rejected any edge or depth inherent in the early cartoons. This results in stories so bland they could be animated entirely in beige. Of course, the animation is actually bright and crisp. It's the writing that's so painfully inoffensive as to end up nothing but drivel. The special consists of three separate pieces linked by some dull, poorly written rhymes read by Kelsey Grammer. The first piece is a variation on the 'Christmas Every Day' story, which we've seen before in many forms. It features Huey, Dewey and Louie as the kids who wish for it to be Christmas everyday after they have a great holiday with Donald, Daisy, Scrooge and an over-emotional aunt character who I've never seen before. Unlike many times I've seen this

I feel like Hallmark is constantly trying to break its own record on most offensive holiday merchandise. Here's the most recent offering I've gotten my hands on: I have a hard time imagining what the target demographic is for people who'd want to be sexually harassed by plastic mistletoe speaking in a fake accent so stereotypical, Pepé Le Pew would be offended, but apparently someone at Hallmark thought it was large enough to bet their job on. I'd like to take a moment to point out I found this marked down from $9.95 to $1.00 at Walgreens, and the person behind the counter looked surprised when I said I wanted to purchase it. The sound feature is loud and clear, which makes it easy to understand, even with the accent. It has eight different gags, which is more than things like this usually come with. Needless to say, both of these points should be considered as negatives. Do I really need to say the jokes are bad? I feel like this thing speaks for it