Mainlining Christmas

When we started this project, I expected media built around Christmas in July parties, along with a few "Santa in the off-season" stories, and maybe a few things that related to marketing events. What I wasn't expecting were stories built around pagan themes and elements of horror. But there were quite a few. It turns out that Christmas in July, for all its jovial connotations, is potentially an extinction level event. In hindsight, I probably should have seen this coming. At its core, Christmas - or more accurately the Solstice, but they're really one and the same - represents a sort of perceived compact with the seasons. The celebration marks the turning point when the days start growing longer. It's a ritual for bringing back the sun's light and warmth. In this form, the invocation of Christmas in July can represent a shattering of this compact. But uncoupling Midwinter from its rightful place in time, we're potentially bringing about the c

We like to pretend what we do here at Mainlining Christmas matters, that we're creating something that will last. But deep down, we know better. In the distant, post-apocalyptic Christmases of the future, the cockroaches hyper-evolved by radiation from World Wars 7 through 14 won't be reading this blog. They will, however, decorate the festive spinal columns using Hallmark Keepsake Ornaments. Because - and this part's important - these things will be around for-freaking-ever. No one knows why exactly. Perhaps their CEO made a blood pact with a fiend of hell. Or maybe it's branding - whatever the reason, Hallmark ornaments are here to stay. And this weekend, they unveiled another year's additions to the collection. That's right, you slackers at K-Mart who wait until September to kick off the holiday shopping season, Hallmark understands the true meaning of Christmas in July. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking these aren't wor

It was a close one this year, what with the Grinch armed with a machine gun holding Santa Claus hostage in the old McCallister home. For a while there, it looked like Christmas might have to be cancelled. But some quick thinking from Dooley and the Christmas Narwhal saved the day, and... You know what? I don't need to recap this. You caught the news last night; you know the gifts were delivered, the Grinch is safely back in Arkham, and Santa Claus destroyed that asteroid before it reached orbit. We don't need to go over all the details or spend more time mourning Donner. What matters is Christmas 2015 came on schedule, and - aside from a few mishaps - it was a merry one. Here at Mainlining Christmas, we spent the season as we always do, force-feeding ourselves holiday cheer. Overall, our slate of movies was surprisingly good this year: we really weren't expecting that. That's not all, though. We hung out with reindeer, marveled at sculptures of Christmas dinosa

It seems like it was just Black Friday last week. Even though we crammed a lot of holiday cheer into this season, our list-of-things-to-watch is only getting longer. As I mentioned this year, researching one holiday special keeps leading us to more and more. Netflix sees our patterns and recommends more Christmas-themed stuff. We buy obscure movies and specials all year long whenever we find them cheap. So don’t worry about us running out of material anytime soon. The thing that most surprised me this year was how many honestly enjoyable, quality movies we watched. Some of the highlights of this year for me were: Meet Me in St. Louis - a classic movie musical, expertly crafted and gorgeously filmed The Apartment - another classic, this one quietly subversive, biting, and extremely clever 8 Women - a french film about family, anger, passion, and the judgement of women by women Mrs. Santa Claus - a sweet family musical about feminism and social justice in the 1910s, s

Too often elves are portrayed as weak and timid. Even if you doubt Christmas elves are as proficient with the long and short sword and bow as their sylvan cousins, you shouldn't underestimate their unique talents. Make no mistake: while forged in Santa's workshops, their skills have militaristic applications. With that in mind, Mainlining Christmas would like to offer a list of 10 elves who are potentially lethal. Wayne, Call Sign: Little Drummer Boy ( Prep & Landing ) Weapon of Choice: Sleep grenades, cane hook, tree trimmer, and a host of other high-tech gadgets. Danger Level: Low. Wayne's equipment is intended for non-lethal combat, and his centuries of training and experience make it incredibly unlikely he'd lose control and do anything drastic. However, it's worth remembering three facts: he's prone to depression, he's slipped up before, and he's proven again and again that his gear is extremely versatile. Would he ever take a life? Prob

After the first year of Mainlining Christmas, we knew we could keep this up for a while. We didn’t even manage to hit everything on my initial brainstorming list that year, and new Christmas movies, episodes and specials come out every year. What we didn’t expect was that even now, in year six, we would still be discovering untapped veins of pure jingle. This year we’ve patched some holes in our repertoire of classic movies, and are catching up on some of the most recent releases. A lot of the other things, we found through serendipitous chains, following the pine-needle trails from one place to the next. An example: I was looking for a reminder of some of the media we’ve seen that features an ‘alternate’ Christmas. In a fit of brilliance, I decided to see whether the trope had a tvtropes page, which of course it does.  On this page I found a reference to the holiday episodes of the Disney Channel show Sofia the First. In adding Sofia the First to the to-watch list, I w

When it comes to movies, I don't think any genre has been more under served at Christmas than science fiction. There's a massive amount of Christmas-themed horror and fantasy, but very little SF. I'm honestly not sure why: it's a surprisingly logical fit, given the genre's interest in culture and religion. There are a handful of exceptions, though most of them are mixed with other genres. By my count, there have between two and four Christmas science-fiction films with meaningful budgets made in the past five decades (the exact number depends on how generous you are in defining both "Christmas movie" and "science-fiction"). Of course, TV has been more generous: science-fiction series, like every other genre, are often compelled to carve out some time at the holidays. What follows is essentially intended as a survey of the genre and a breakdown of how the concepts interact. SPACE When most people who aren't fans of the genre

There are plenty of lists out there trying to pick the best and worst Christmas movies of all time (most of those lists are full of crap, but that's not relevant). Lindsay and I spend a lot of time going through those lists looking for anything we've missed, and this often leads to an existential quandary. What the hell is a Christmas movie? Sometimes, it's easy. Elf , for example, is a movie set at, about, and concerned with the holidays. I've never heard anyone claim otherwise. Pull out the holiday elements, and you're literally left with nothing. At least, all of that's true under my definition of Christmas. If you're preoccupied with the idea that Jesus is the reason for the Black Friday rush, then you likely have very different thoughts on whether Elf has anything at all to do with Christmas. Also, you need a goddamn history lesson. But for the rest of the world, it's a Christmas movie. Almost as much so as Miracle on 34th Street , which

I always get depressed this time of year. I mean, sure, I love Black Friday - who doesn't? But it always seems like something's missing. When I think back to when I was a kid, Black Friday always seemed so magical, so special. It was a time for families and friends to come together and celebrate the season. But I feel like somewhere along the way, we all lost sight of that. Now, it seems like all Black Friday is about is saving a few bucks, improving profits, or scraping bodies off the floor of a Walmart entrance. Where did we go wrong? I really don't have an answer to that, but Lindsay and I came up with a possible solution. This year, we decided to skip the shopping trip altogether and throw a good old-fashioned Black Friday party for some of our closest friends. We picked up Black Friday decorations weeks ago - for some reason, they got really cheap at the start of November. I know - I was surprised they dropped the prices right when people would be thinking of B

Henry Selick was recently asked whether The Nightmare Before Christmas , one of the greatest holiday films ever made, was a Halloween movie or a Christmas movie . After some consideration, he went with Halloween. I think it's important to note that, as the visionary director of this phenomenal movie, Selick is uniquely positioned to be able to definitively answer this question. That's what makes it so surprising that he got it wrong. While the movie's leads are original Halloween characters, the plot is a re-imagining of L. Frank Baum's story, A Kidnapped Santa Claus , as well as his novel, The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus . These were major influences on the Rankin Bass specials, as well, which in turn served as prototypes for Selick's movie. But we'll forgive the director for this oversight. If he keeps making movies half as good as The Nightmare Before Christmas, he can claim they're about Arbor Day for all we care.