Mainlining Christmas

For those just joining us... you're late. Pull up a chair in back, and save all questions for the end. This is Mainlining Christmas, a blog devoted to experiencing the holiday season in its entirety, or as close as the limitations time, space, and mortality permit. Our music collection is daunting: more than 3,000  4,000 holiday songs and counting. As always, 100% of music we listen to of our own volition between now and Christmas will be drawn from that collection. In addition to thirty pieces of fiction , numerous articles , and several digital cards , our archive houses approximately 330 reviews of holiday specials, episodes, and movies . And we'll be the first to acknowledge that's not remotely adequate. Our goal is to grow into the single greatest repository of Christmas reviews in the known Universe: we're not content at our current volume. If we asked a dozen random people to list the first 20 specials or movies that came to mind when they thought of Christma

I've written quite a few satirical articles on Black Friday - it's become something of a Mainlining Christmas tradition. I'm sure I'll write a few more words on that subject this year, but not right now. I want to approach the expanding Black Friday date from a different perspective. I want to be serious for a minute. I can't imagine anyone out there isn't familiar with this, but just in case, here's the background: Black Friday has been shifting away from a one-day affair. A large number of retailers, led by Walmart and Target, now open on Thanksgiving. This is a relatively new phenomenon: when we started the blog, we'd never heard of stores opening on Thanksgiving or midnight on Friday. It was on year two that we first went out on Thanksgiving night, resulting in what I still consider one of the best posts we've ever put on this blog . But even then, there were very few stores open earlier than midnight. That's changed in the last three yea

Wow, December flew this year, didn’t it? For me, it wasn’t just because the span between Thanksgiving and Christmas was as short as it can be. My job is more involved and takes more of my brain than last year, plus I have more outside-of-work commitments too. All that’s just to say that I’m a little sad that it’s Christmas already, I feel like I barely registered time passing. I’m really glad we finally saw some Bing Crosby specials ( Meta , 1, 2, 3, 4 ), and I’m also glad we eviscerated The Christmas Shoes. We also found a few hidden gems this year, perhaps most notably Rudolph and Frosty’s Christmas in July . Who knew that was good? This is the fourth year, and Mainlining has become… a tradition. I don’t mean that in a sarcastic way, either. This: the watching of bizarre and terrible and wonderful Christmas stuff, collecting new music, new books and movies and decorations, finding more and different things to see and do, this is now part of how we celebrate the season. St

So, cards on the table: I tried to put together a simple top 10 list of the all-time best Christmas movies, but I ran into a snag - 40% of the list would have been Shane Black action movies. But, as I listed things out, I started to notice that a lot of movies were falling nicely into pairs. So, rather than try to assemble a blanket pool, I'm breaking these into five categories, each of which will feature the two best holiday films that genre offers. From these, I'll whittle it down to a simple "top 5" list. What that will represent is a look at the best Christmas films from the entire range of the holiday selection. Best Animated Christmas Movies There have been a lot of animated Christmas movies, but surprisingly few great ones. Both of these movies under-performed at the box office, but both are phenomenal films. Nightmare Before Christmas An homage to Rankin/Bass specials, Nightmare Before Christmas displays all of Tim Burton's style unencumbered b

Ten Reasons to Celebrate Christmas 10. Technically, there's no real evidence Jesus wasn't born on December 25th. 9. In a pinch, glass bulbs make excellent projectiles. It's good to have them around, in case of home invasion. 8. Millions of trees are cut down every year as decorations. Trees are assholes. 7. Retail employees need at least one holiday off, now that they're all scheduled to work Thanksgiving. 6. To celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior, Dionysus. 5. Irony. 4. It pisses off a lot of people who aren't Christian. 3. It REALLY pisses off a lot of people who are Christian. 2. Having a drying pine tree in your house for a month and half ensures you gets your money's worth from your fire insurance. 1. Presents.

I've spoken to a lot of people who don't celebrate Christmas. No, that's not right. I've spoken to a lot of people who say  they don't celebrate Christmas. They represent a very diverse group with different backgrounds and beliefs, but they all had two things in common: they all celebrate Christmas, and they all didn't know it. It's not that they want to celebrate Christmas, nor were they betraying their beliefs. It's simply that Christmas is too big to be ignored, and recognition of Christmas is, by default, a sort of celebration. It's impossible to opt out of Christmas, at least in America, no matter how much someone might want to. You might not celebrate the religious aspects of Christmas (I certainly don't), but you still celebrate the holiday, whether you want to or not. There are a lot of people who protest the holiday. There are really only two reasons for doing so: some people fight the holidays because they're not Christian , o

We started Black Friday late this year - about 9:30 PM on Thursday night (better known as Black Friday's Eve). Of course, Black Friday now begins at 12AM sharp the day before, thanks to benevolent retailer Walmart's decision to forgo closing at all. Technically, shouldn't that read "Shop while you shop"? By the time we arrived, things were relatively calm: no lines to get into the store, no pushing, only a moderate amount of shouting. The line to reach the checkout was of course absurd, but we weren't there to shop, anyway. We were there to be around friends and family. Other peoples' friends and family, perhaps, but every one of the shoppers present had opted to be there instead of spending this time with loved ones, so - in a way - doesn't that connect us all in a deep and meaningful way? I'm guessing that they were going to go with Comic Sans, but were worried people would accuse them of being elitist.   We were surprised to s

Welcome back. I type those words, but they're misleading: none of us ever really left. How could we, with the Christmas season slowly stretching towards eternity ? No, we've been here all along, keeping the yule log burning, the eggnog pouring, and the DVD player humming. But, still, we've crossed a threshold. Black Friday's Eve is upon us once more, with turkey, mashed potatoes, throngs of screaming shoppers trampling each other to death, and cranberry sauce. A lot of people don't like cranberry sauce, but I've always been a fan of the stuff. This year brings us something special. Well, really, it brings more of the same. But when the same refers to endless Christmas specials and a never-ending supply of holiday music, well... that's pretty special in its own right, isn't it? You may be wondering what we still have left to watch after three years of this blog. If so, you're a poor, misguided fool with no conception of the depth this holiday

Toy News International has posted some pictures of 2014 Hallmark ornaments that were on display at New York Comic Con , and - as always - I'm conflicted. I actually like Hallmark ornaments as collectibles: they generally feature good sculpts and impressive paint ops. However, they seem ridiculously overpriced for a small piece of plastic. I was only half kidding a few years ago when  I suggested picking up cheap action figures and turning them into ornaments  as an alternative to going to Hallmark. There's at least one new sub-line that drives home the absurdity of the Hallmark brand: Lego Star Wars ornaments. Hallmark is currently charging sixteen bucks for a replica of a Yoda minifig for your tree, and next year it looks like  they'll be doing the same for Boba Fett . I find it hilarious that someone would pay as much for a fake minifig as Toys'R'Us charges for a whole building set. I can't think of any reason you couldn't attach a wire to a Lego fi

It's with a heavy heart I type these words. Time magazine's website is reporting that Black Friday, the ancient holiday celebrating American values and officially starting the holiday season, is facing possible extinction . Apparently, Americans are no longer going out in the same numbers and are spending less. I'll let Time explain: A study from Accenture estimated that 44% of consumers were likely to go shopping on Black Friday 2011, down from 52% in 2009.... Last year, shoppers spent $11.2 billion in physical stores on Black Friday, a decline of 1.8% compared to Black Friday 2011, according to ShopperTrak. That's huge. Granted, it could be worse. I mean, it's not an undeniable sign of imminent extinction like, say, a magazine's circulation dropping almost 35% in a single year , but Black Friday is clearly threatened. Brad Tuttle, writing for Time, goes on to probe the cause of this frightening prospect: Part of the reason for the decline in spending is

Those of you hoping Christmas would be cancelled this year were once again disappointed: despite opposition to the holiday from both secular groups opposed to the fundamental religious nature of the holiday and religious groups angry about the fundamental pagan nature of the holiday ( this is my personal favorite example ), and the prophesied end of the world, Christmas came just the same. Of course it did. Christmas is a cultural juggernaut ten-thousand years old. It's survived the fall of empires and religions. When early Christian leaders tried to destroy it, it ate their savior and took his name. It's the granddaddy of all holidays, the mother of all festivals, and the drunken, lecherous uncle of all celebrations. As long as the seasons change, Christmas isn't going anywhere. Oh, and we're still here, too. That's right: not VeggieTales nor Barney nor Adam Sandler could break our commitment to the true meaning of Christmas, whatever the hell that is. Mainli

I don’t have a ton to say about this year. I was very busy through most of the Thanksgiving-Christmas run, so getting all of the Mainlining done was more work than I remember it being in past years. I’m still getting used to our new home on the West Coast, so I couldn’t go to my normal shopping destinations, etc. Anyway, this year we watched 92 separate things, which is a new high-water mark for this blog. Breakdown: Shorts: 3 Movies: 18 Episodes: 51 Specials: 20 Erin bought way more Christmas music than we have in past years, I reviewed more books and comics, and we posted more often overall. I don’t know that we saw anything this year that I’d say belongs among the best of the best, but we did have some in the running for worst of the worst. Some of my favorite new things from this year were: Bump in the Night: T'was the Night Before Bumpy Die Hard (okay, this could be best of the best) Doctor Who: Voyage of the Damned Nature: Christmas in Yellowstone Paddi

I wanted to say a few parting words about this series, both because I'm proud of it and because it was a pretty intense experience. I don't have exact notes on this, but this definitely felt like the vast majority of time I devoted to the blog this year. By my calculations, I wrote more than 55,000 words of fiction for the blog this year. The total word count for the stories published is actually a little more (just shy of 58,500), but three of these stories were started last year, then finished and published this year. If you're interested, those were "Mistletoe", "One Night in Bethlehem", and "Tribes of Gypsies". Actually, Mistletoe's inclusion on that list is misleading: I had a version started but completely rewrote it from scratch. The first third of "One Night in Bethlehem" was already done and was basically unchanged. "Tribes of Gypsies" gets complicated. I had about a quarter of it done, but that got overhauled

As everyone knows by now, the prophesied end of days is scheduled for today. The way I see it, anything that occurs in mid-to-late December is, by definition, part of Christmas, so I wanted to offer some insight into our world's horrible demise as it happens. Unfortunately, I've got some last-minute Christmas shopping to do, so I'm not going to be able to give the 2012 apocalypse as much attention as I was hoping to. Nevertheless, throughout the day I'll be updating this post, so you can follow along. Note : all times are Pacific Standard. 9:04 AM : So far, things are pretty quiet out here. Sky's are kind of blood-red, but it's still just raining. It's a little cold, I guess. 9:06 AM : Checking the morning news. Most news sites are reporting the East Coast was swallowed by the ocean. Fox News is claiming liberal bias. 9:08 AM : Small, fiery rock crashed through window. Gonna have to board that up later. Kind of reminds me of the movie "Armaged

Sure, Christmas is largely about tradition, but there are some I can do without. You know what I'm talking about: every year, some jackass has to go repeat the same Christmas cliches, as if they've got something worthwhile to say. Well, here are a few "holiday reflections" I can do without, along with my standard response for the offending perpetrator: "It's not ______ and stores are already putting Christmas displays up?" How often I hear it: Every year Proper response: Yeah, Christmas starts earlier every year. You know what that means? It means those of us with a preschool-level understanding of mathematics were expecting it to start earlier this year than last. So why don't you shut the hell up, start charting this shit, and brace yourself for the holiday season to overtake Memorial Day by 2016. "I like Christmas, but I hate how commercialized it's become." How often I hear it: Every damn year Proper response: Nothing pisses

Five years ago, Shortcake Jingleberry, a Christmas Elf with experience at the North Pole, was transferred to Santaland (located in Macy's New York flagship) to assist Santa Claus at that location. Since that time, she has blogged about the experience . Despite being extremely busy, Shortcake graciously agreed to answer some questions from Mainlining Christmas, offering us a rare opportunity to glimpse inside the life of the elusive Christmas Elf. MC: Do you commute from the North Pole or do you live in New York? SJ: Shortcake lives in New York City. It's too much for the reindeer to move everyone from the North Pole to Macy's and back every day, so they just move Santa, and the elves find housing in New York. This way, the elves are also well positioned to keep an eye on boys and girls during the year for Santa's Naughty and Nice lists. MC: Do you travel by reindeer or do you use public transportation?   SJ: Santa travels by reindeer from the North Pole. Shortcake uses

Anyone who knows anything about Christmas knows that Mainlining Christmas is the only site on the internet that truly encapsulates the holiday in its entirety. Normally, I wouldn't think a statement so manifest by the unnatural light of a million multi-colored bulbs would require further explanation. But apparently, I'd be wrong. Because, apparently, we're not the only ones laying claim to Christmas. Recently, I came across Christmas.com . The bottom of their page proclaims, "Christmas.com is the Official Website of Christmas 2012." First off, who the hell approved that? Do they have a notarized letter of permission from Jesus? You'd think something like that would belong on their About Us page, and I just checked: it's not there. I guess they feel comfortable backing up that claim. So let's compare content. Mainlining Christmas has reviewed more than a hundred fifty specials, movies, and Christmas-themed television episodes to cull the half do

Another Black Friday has come and gone, leaving desolation, holiday cheer, and suffering in its wake. The images are permeating the internet, and the stories will likely be told in hushed tones until next year's even greater excesses renders these events quaint in comparison. But until then we can enjoy the show. Since studios have yet to get on the ball and start producing stop-motion specials about the magic of Black Friday, we must make do with video captured by shoppers and spectators (apparently, we're not the only ones). Gawker assembled an impressive collection of shorts showcasing the festivities at various Walmart stores . Of their videos, we found the following most fascinating, as it manages to record the incident clearly: If you'd rather skip the suspense, the holiday cheer begins at about 1:25. It takes the crowd approximately thirty seconds to strip the display bare of electronics, leaving a pile of rubble behind. For the sake of comparison,

Black Friday's Eve is about tradition, something we at Mainlining Christmas hold in the deepest reverence. Our night began with a feast, of course, since we'd need energy for what comes next. Once we'd built up a healthy layer of fat, Lindsay and I set out into the cold to celebrate the holiday and kick off the holiday season. We could think of no better place to start than Walmart, that bastion of holiday cheer and stalwart shrine to American culture. We arrived around 10:30 PM Thursday and found a parking space, no small feat on this night, as you can see above. The lights in the parking lot shone off the cars and SUV's like decorations. We made our way through the near-winter wonderland of vehicles and reached the front, where a handful of police cars were lined up to help maintain order. The line of eager shoppers wrapped around the store. There were families of all shapes and sizes, many with young children, there to enjoy the festivities,

In the span of a few decades, Black Friday has grown from a trivial footnote to a major part of the Christmas season. As such, it is surely fitting that the day not be excluded from one of the most significant holiday traditions. I refer, of course, to warfare. War is only an integral part of Christmas figuratively speaking, of course: people don't actually die in the fights between Christian groups fighting for the right to erect lighted shrines to pagan tree spirits and secular groups demanding that the phrase "Happy Holidays" be substituted for its synonym, "Merry Christmas." No, the war over Christmas is actually a cold war. Casualties are unheard of. Black Friday, on the other hand, is no stranger to bloodshed. People have been trampled to death, shot, and stabbed. But, until now, these have been isolated events: more skirmishes than an actual war. But that may be changing thanks to a new trend: Black Friday Eve. The day before Black Friday