1. The human capacity to stand any non-parody version of The First Noel is inversely proportionate to the clarity in which the lyrics are sung.
2. Really awful Christmas specials and movies are nowhere near as bad as mediocre ones.
3. The Christmas Story is not, in fact, the "greatest story ever told," however the version told by Linus in It's Christmas, Charlie Brown is the greatest version of the Christmas Story that's ever been told.
4. Gaudy Christmas lights can be beautiful, but only in extreme concentrations.
5. Inflatable Christmas lawn displays were conceived of and produced by the Devil.
6. With very few exceptions, parodies of Christmas songs are superior to the originals.
7. As a general rule of thumb, the less appropriate a holiday episode is to any given television series, the better the result will be.
8. Among the thousands of forgotten Christmas specials, there are few, if any, gems. In almost every case, if you haven't heard of it, it's awful.
9. Nativity scenes are made of the same substance as nightmares.
10. Thanksgiving has now officially been carved up and served on a platter to Black Friday.
I wish I could say I believed this was really it, but I'm pretty sure the holidays will stay with me a bit longer. Yup, every time I shut my eyes, I see sugarplums dancing. Maybe I'll be able to sleep soundly in a few months, but that might be a little optimistic.
Regardless, thanks for riding this holiday out with us. If you got an e-reader for Christmas, be sure to download your free copy of A Man of Snow and Other Seasonal Stories if you haven't already. If you didn't get an e-reader, just start returning sweaters and ties until you build up enough store credit to get one. Also, you might want to sit down with your family and have a serious heart-to-heart about picking out gifts.